Alright if you need a reminder on what this whole thing is, check it out here. Today we look at the first round of the Sports Region. This was probably the toughest bracket to widdle down to 16. Before I go into the match-ups, here’s the whole bracket.
And now for the matchups
- New York Yankees vs.
16. Montreal Canadiens
Yankees: A perennial one seed, that was runner up in the most recent Hate Madness, the Yankees are everything about them make me want to puke. Quieter the last couple years because either or both the Yankees and my Red Sox have sucked, this anger has bounced back the last year primarily because of the stupid goddamn farewell tours. The Yakees are all that is wrong with this world. From their asshole fans, to the dickhead players and management to forcing everyone to stroke Jeter’s cock during his last season, I hate them so much.
Canadiens: Since I am defining myself as a Bruins fan, I feel it is necessary that I include the Canadiens in the bracket.
Winner: New York Yankees
8. James Dolan vs
9. Baseball Replay
James Dolan: James Dolan has been making my life miserabe for the past 15 years. It is a legitimately a chore watching the Knicks play the SAME FUCKING SHITTY BASKETBALL EVERY FUCKING YEAR. Okay, you brought Phil in – great, but hey clearly these players can’t play the triangle. So either go out and get players that can play the triangle, or find another guy. It’s like for the last 15 years, Dolan has been driving a car with a square wheels and despite the car being like “hey man, this isn’t really good for me” Dolan just says “eh fuck it, it’s still getting me to work so I can get paid.”
Baseball Replay: Let me preface this by saying that I like actual replay in baseball. But I hate how they (1) still get calls wrong. How does this happen? How can everyone watching a game see one thing and then one person sitting in New York City see another? The other reason I hate it is because (2) some managers were using it for some pretty shitty reasons. I remember watching the playoffs last season and I believe someone for the Royals stole third against the Astros. It was a normal steal, the play wasn’t actually close at all, but the third baseman held the tag on the runner as he completed his slide. The play was challenged and the runner was deemed out because for a fraction of a fraction of a second, while the the runner was completing his pop-up slide, the runner left the bag. It wasn’t an overslide, it wasn’t anything abnormal, it was just a normal pop-up slide. It really pissed me off because chances are, the same thing happens on a large percentage of slides and overturning the call would change the face of baserunning.
Winner: James Dolan
5. Dallas Cowboys
12. Buck Showalter and the Orioles
Cowboys: I hate this team so much and Jerry Jones is comically insane and incompetent. But this has been a franchise that has been so incredibly pitiful lately.
Buck Showalter and the Orioles: Obviously Showalter is a good manager, but in his first year with the O’s he said something about the Red Sox buying players despite being the manager of the Yankees in the past. Then the Orioles. They have been a thorn in the Red Sox side for years now. They’re like the Royals of the AL East, except shittier. Always a headache and their fans suck too.
Winner: Buck Showalter and the Orioles
4. Ray Lewis vs
13. Philadelphia Eagles
Ray Lewis: Has anyone gotten a free pass more than Ray Lewis? He was at the very least involved in some way in a murder and somehow he’s this great fucking guy that everyone loves and goes on TV and is over dramatic with the rest of NFL Sunday Countdown. It’s just too much. Fuck him.
Philadelphia Eagles: I do hate the Eagles, but like the Cowboys, they’ve just been so pathetic lately.
Winner: Ray Lewis
3. Pacers and Reggie Miller
14. NFL Catch
Pacers and Reggie Miller: As a Knicks fan, I will frever hate the Heat and Pacers. However, since the Knocks have turned into the worst franchise in the history of time, it has become increasingly difficult to hate other teams since I’m too busy loathing the Knicks. Reggie Miller though is what blasts this to a 3 seed because I still have to see his stupid face and hear his stupid voice. He sucks as an announcer, he was the Knick killer and he looks like a ghost.
NFL Catch: I fundamentally do not understand how something so simple has turned into something so difficult. You do not need a thousand algorithms to figure out if a guy made a catch or not. If I, and a billion other drunk idiots watching from our couch see one thing, then these idiot refs and “rules experts” should be able to figure it out too. I don’t need all this analysis. I don’t need the “oh you see he did not completely cradle the the ball and despite the ball never hitting the ground he-” No. Did he fucking catch the ball or not? It’s not that hard and it shouldn’t be this hard. Maybe they should use a Twitter poll to determine if these plays are catches. Give a 2-3 minute poll when the play is announced as under review and then boom you get results.
Winner: I actually think I hate the NFL catch more, but I also think I just solved the problem with the Twitter idea so the winner is The Pacers and Reggie Miler
6. Russell Westbrook
11. Blown Call
Russell Westbrook: I don’t really have much to say about Westbrook other than that he’s a huge dickhead and I hate hearing him speak.
Blown Calls: When playing or watching sports, there honestly might not be anything worse than a really bad blown call. All the “what ifs” run through your head. “What if the ref/ump wasn’t a fucking moron and got that call right?” But alas, these blatantly bad calls are what make sports so great some time. I’ve been on both sides of blown calls both watching an playing. When it’s against you, there’s feelings of anger, frustration and disdain. When they are in your favor, you feel a little dirty.
Winner: Russell Westbrook
7. Washington Redskins vs
10. Missouri Baseball
Washington Redskins: It’s honestly kind of hard to hate Kirk Cousins given that he murdered RGIII’s career and has that video of him yelling “YOU LIKE THAT?” It’s also hard to hate Dan Snyder for being such a dickhead about changing such a blatantly racist name. But alas, the Redskins are somehow the team to beat in the NFC East and they certainly still have some players that I hate.
Missouri Baseball: Not the University of Missouri. I’m talking about the Cardinals and Royals. Both think they are the gold standard for baseball. The Royals genuinely believe they invented the base hit and the Cardinals are so goddamn smug and haughty. Both these teams are like kids that go to the state school part of Cornell because they weren’t smart enough to get into the Ivy part, yet still talk and act like they’re Ivy Leaguers.
Winner: Missouri Baseball
2. When My Teams Suck
When My Team Sucks: This has been relevant the last couple of years because literally every one of my teams have sucked. It is unbelievable how depressing it is going into each game and thinking “well how are they going to blow this one” before the game even starts.
Lacrosse: I don’t really know why, but I really hate lacrosse. When I have a son I will say “son, you can do anything you want – except play lacrosse.”
Winner: When My Teams Suck
Well that rounds out the first round of the Sports bracket. The first round of the “Types of People” bracket will be coming out in the next day or two.