Incredible when you think about it. For the past eight years or however long we’ve known the Olympics were going to be in Brazil, I think it’s fair to say the majority of people have thought at one time or another “well this is going to be a fucking disaster” and really nothing that we heard coming out of Rio did anything to ease our minds.
Over the years, we’ve heard all the usual two concerns about any country hosting the Olympics: will they finish the construction and what are the terrorist threats? I mean even London had questions surrounding both of these issues in 2012. But here’s the thing, London is part of the United Kingdom – a country that has its shit together. Brazil is literally a Third World Country, and I’m not using the term “Third World Country” in a derogatory way – if you do a little research, you will see that by definition, Brazil is a Third World Country.
Back when they announced that Rio would host the 2016 Olympics, it was seen as an opportunity for countries in South America and other less developed nations to show what they can do. This was supposed to be exciting and innovating. Now though, the entire world is going to be holding its collective breath for next 18 days, hoping nothing too catastrophic will happen.
It feels like just weeks ago we were hearing that stadiums were not completed. How? You A.) had eight goddamn years to get everything done and B.) live in a country where soccer is literally a religion. You’re telling me you can’t slap a few tracks around some soccer fields and just use those as venues?
Then we started hearing about terrorism. An ISIS cell was forming in Rio and wanted to wreck havoc on the games. Awesome. Well to Rio’s credit, they allegedly got those guys and threw them in the slammer. Security though will undoubtedly still be an issue. Again, infrastructure and security have been concerns in many past Olympics. But here’s something that hasn’t – shit water.
We have Olympic people actually telling competitors not to open their mouth when they are swimming in the “fresh water” because there is actual poop in the water. There’s a weird mosquito that carries a virus that fucks you up. There’s spiders in toilets in the Olympic Village.
The Australians have had so many issues with their little village that they said to the mayor of Rio “hey we’re having some issues here, man.” And the mayor responded with “I’ll get them a kangaroo to make them feel more at home.” Part of me thinks “man that mayor is a dick” but you know what? He’s probably dealing with so much shit (literally) right now that what the fuck is he supposed to say?
I don’t know, guys. Personally I’m hoping that everyone is completely wrong and that Rio is a enormous success and that somehow they put in a dam with a huge Brita filter in the bodies of water for the competitors, and that they somehow eradicated all the Zika bugs, and that they got all the terrorists and that they finished all the buildings, and that they have enough hospitals, but that’s a shit ton of stuff that has to go right. And when you’re landing in Rio and see this posted on the airport:that cannot be a very comforting feeling. Best case scenario is there’s no terror attacks, a couple thousand people get Zika and like 1/3 of the swimmers get sick from the water. Again though, I hope I’m wrong.
One more thing: Bob Costas better be on high alert considering what happened in Sochi…