Last Friday I wrote about how I was shocked that the Olympics are actually happening in Rio.  After all the bullshit surrounding it, it’s really incredible that there wasn’t more of a threat to move the Olympics.  Maybe the reports were worse than it actually was or maybe Brazil just got their shit together in record time.  Regardless, you have to feel pretty goddamn good about yourself if you’re Brazil.  So let’s take a quick look at some of the biggest stories in the Olympics over the first five or so days.

Starting with the Opening Ceremonies which was snooze city.  I am actually a BIIIIIG opening ceremony guy, but this one confused me.  Parade of Nations was confusing as hell too with how they went by the Portuguese alphabet.  Fucking bullshit.  And then there was this fucking guy.TongaThe Tonga flag barrier who was greased up like a goddamn Thanksgiving turkey.  Fuck this guy.  We get it.  You’re big and strong.  Anyone looks extra jacked if you grease yourself up.  Exhibit A:

The picture on the left is my torso without being greased up.  Gross, right?  The one on the right is me after I rubbed olive oil on my torso.  So hot.  And the one below is the same as the one on the right but with a really good camera:AbsSo yeah.  Like I said, if you grease up your body, you’re going to look hot.

Anyways so Pele didn’t light the torch because he’s like 100 years old.  Instead they got the guy from the 2004 Olympics that was winning the marathon before some psycho tackled him.


Now onto the competition.


Everyone in the US is the biggest swim fan for a week every four years.  Thus far, the US has dominated swimming.  Here’s some of the highlights…

Katie Ledecky has an AWFUL hairline, but damn can that bitch swim.LadeckyLadecky is just shattering World Records and breaking necks.

The next American girl swimming hero has been called a modern day Rocky.  Lilly King called out Russian Sweet Dee Reynolds for taking steroids in the 100 breast stroke.  Russian Sweet Dee got booed and then gave the Mutombo finger wag when she won her semi.


Lilly King was back stage watching and gave her own wag.KingThen she called out Russian Dee for being a roid head and proceeded to kick her ass the next night in the finals.  And here’s Russian Dee and Real Dee:

One more thing about Lilly King – she’s 19 years old and called out a world class Russian athlete for doping.  I’m 26 and a male and wouldn’t even have the balls to say anything close to what Lilly King said.  Respect.

Meanwhile, Missy Franklin, the golden girl from last Olympics has been swimming like dog shit.

On the men’s side, Michael Phelps has been Michael Phelps.  The biggest story from that side was how he stuffed South African swimmer Chad Le Clos in a locker in the 200 fly.  If you recall, Le Clos beat Phelps in this event at the last Olympics, then talked a LOT of shit and tried getting under Phelps skin by, among other things, shadow boxing in Phelps’ face in what will be referred to as one one of the biggest dickhead, toolbag moves.  Rowdy Gaines was going NUTS.ShadowboxingPhelps didn’t seem to be amusedPhelpsThis was before the SEMI-FINAL mind you.  In the finals, Phelps murdered Le Clos.LeClosWhile Le Clos took a peek at Phelps during the race.  Even I know that’s just asking to lose.  Phelps took gold while Le Clos didn’t even reach the podium.  What an IDIOT.


Both the men and women basketball teams from the US have been destroying the competition.  However there was a HUGE upset with Lithuania beat Spain on an unbelievable last second block and then Spain lost to Brazil.  Pau and the gang were silver medal favorites and now need to beat Croatia to just get into the medal rounds.

Beach Volleyball:

Women’s beach volleyball is a beautiful beautiful thing.  Kerri Walsh-Jennings and April Ross have been dominating.  Kerri Walsh had herself a block party against China.  It was like she was just toying with them.


Obviously, this isn’t a picture of them against China.

On the men’s side, the dynamic duo of Dallhauser and Lucena have played pretty fucking good so far.  Dallhausser is such a fucking monster.DaulhauserThe Brazilian favorite of Alison and Bruno though have not been lights out as they would have hoped.  Talk about monsters, Alison is enormous.  But they’re losing.  That shit ain’t cool, especially in Brazil where Volleyball is just behind soccer in sport fanhood.  Alison.jpg

Court Volleyball:

Probably my favorite Summer Olympic sport to watch.  The US Men are BLOWING it though.  They’ve lost to Italy and CANADA.  That’s right, Canada.  Little brother finally won one.  David Lee and company better figure it the fuck out because they’re in danger of not making to the medal rounds.

The women on the other hand are killing it.  I just watched them beat Serbia and let me tell you, those girls are really good.

One quick thing on volleyball: I was watching China and Japan women play the other day and those teams are garbage.  I’m convinced if the weren’t allowed to spike, me and five friends could beat both of those teams.


Aly Raisman and Simone Biles led the US women to a dominating team gold medal.  And Aly Raisman has an ass that won’t quitRaisman.jpg

The men though weren’t as lucky as they kept fucking up and finished fifth.

Other Sports and Thoughts:

  • Synchronized diving is one of the most impressive things I have ever watched.
  • Kristin Armstrong, US Cycler won her THIRD STRAIGHT gold medalArmstrong and you can’t tell, but she’s a serious MILF.
  • US Women’s soccer is 2-0-1 after a tie against Colombia (thanks Hope Solo) but is still in good shape for another gold medal run.
  • Rugby has been interesting to watch.  New Zealand and their Hocka dance or whatever it’s called was in danger of not making the medal round.  What a let down that would be.
  • The Brazil men’s soccer team hasn’t lost, but they also haven’t scored a goal in like 7000 minutes.
  • Bob Costas doesn’t have pink eye
  • Ryan Lochte looks like Jack Frost

There’s a quick round up of the Olympics.  Check in later this week for another round up!