If you missed the first round-up, you can read it here.
So here we are, less than a week left of the Rio Olympics. Over the weekend we had some pretty crazy shit happen. The Swedish women are haunting the US women’s dreams. The US Women’s Soccer team got eliminated by fucking Sweeden. Serena got eliminated by a Swede. And that was just a few moments of an exciting weekend in Rio. So let’s fucking get into it!
I usually don’t watch soccer because to me, the Olympics is about watching sports that you can’t usually watch. However, I did tune into this game. If you listen to Keeping Score at Home, you know that I do not “do” soccer. But this game was pretty exciting, I must admit. Sweden kept the pressure on the whole game. The US dominated in possession, but you know what? Sweden took advantage of every chance they got and defended great. Sweden scored on a fast break in, I don’t know, the 60th or so minute to take a 1-nil advantage. Then American’s sweetheart Alex Morgan scored on a pinball shot to tie it up. Nobody scored in the extra time so we went to a shootout.
Leading off for the US was Alex Morgan. And it was blocked. If we’re being honest, that was probably it. The door was open for Sweden. Hope Solo made it interesting by making an incredible save, but the US had their backs against the wall once Morgan’s shot was missed. She was supposed to be automatic and the Swedish keeper made a great save and when she did make the save, it was like “oh shit, Sweden is here to play.”
However, thanks to Solo’s great save, the US still had a chance when Christen Press came up. She proceeded to kick the ball about 40 feet over the cross bar.
Yep. Here’s the whole shootout cut down to about a minute.
(Shoutout to NBC for posting Olympic highlights on YouTube – really cool of you to do) But despite a freezing technique by Hope Solo, the Swedish chick scored the winning goal thus cementing what is in all likelihood one of the biggest upsets in recent Olympic history.
After the game, Hope Solo went on to call the Swedes “cowards” because they played a defensive game or something and said the better team didn’t win. Well you know what, Hope? You got fucking beat. Accept it. A Swedish newspaper took exception to her comments and came from the rafters and smashed Hope Solo.
Respect. Then even Alex Morgan complained about how shootouts suck and the best team didn’t win. Look I get it. I totally agree that shootouts are not an indicator of who is the better team. I understand that Golden Goal is much, much better, but you know what? That’s the format in the Olympics. You got beat. Sweden defended better and fucked up on the PKs less. They beat you. Come back pissed and win gold at the next event. That’s all you can do now.
Alright, I know the soccer was long, but I got really pissed when I heard Hope Solo and Alex Morgan being shitty losers. Moving on…
So like does any other country in the world even swim? I mean I always knew the US was very strong swimming, but they put on a goddamn clinic this Olympics. Rowdy Gaines said that only ONE US Olympian didn’t make it out of prelims – meaning that almost the entire team AT LEAST made it to a semi-final. Insanity. Some key highlights…
I mean I guess we’ll start with the women’s team. Fucking Katie Ledecky is a goddamn boss. She won the 800 free by ELEVEN FUCKING SECONDS.
No lie, granted I’m a very weak swimmer, but if she swam the 800 and I swam the 100, I think she beats me. I really do. I’m not even sure I could ride a bike 800 meters that fast.
Simone Manuel became the first African American woman to win an individual swimming gold by winning the 100 free in shocking fashion. Even she was shocked.Maya Dirado leaves Rio with five medals including a gold in the 100 back stroke, a race in which some Danish chick was heavily favored.She’s 23 and is retiring from the Olympics to start a new job in Atlanta on September 7th. I wonder how that first day of work is going to go for her Jesus Christ. That’s just a few of dominant women swimmers, but since I rambled about the women’s soccer, I’m going to move onto the men:
Michael Phelps “ended his Olympic career” in unbelievable fashion by medaling in every event he swam, including five golds, upping his career golds to 23. In one of the most anticipated swims, the 200 IM, fellow American Ryan Lochte was supposed to challenge Phelps for the gold.
Phelps won in a runaway, thus shoving Ryan Lochte in a locker one last time. And, to add insult to injury, Lochte and his dumb hair were robbed at gun point the other day.
Phelps, meanwhile lost his only race to 21 year old Joseph Schooling from Singapore, who oh by the way, lives in America now. He met his hero Phelps years ago and beat him in arguably Phelps’ best event the other day.
Actually a pretty cool moment.
After that Phelps and his team won the gold in the 4×100 IM. Ryan Murphy set a world record in his leg, just more utter dominance. But that’s it. Phelps claims he’s done. Apparently if Michael Phelps was a country, he would have the third most swimming gold medals of all time behind the US and Australia. That’s fucking insane. I’ll put it at even money he swims at least one race in Tokyo 2020.
The women continue to just shit on everyone, while the men have had some close calls. Australia played them wire-to-wire, Serbia made a late run and only lost by three and then a Tony Parker-less France also only lost by three to the United States. Granted the last like five minutes of the France game the US played sloppy ball and France played outstanding. The score of that game was MUCH closer than it actually was. In fact, France hit a three at the buzzer to bring it within three. In the France game, however was an absolutely insane alley oop from Kyrie to Durant
The US Men finally figured it out and had a HUGE upset against Brazil. Then they beat Russia and Mexico to clinch a spot in the quarterfinals after an 0-2 start. Those dudes are playing great right now.
The US Women finished pool play undefeated, but are in a tough pool with Serbia and Russia. The volleyball color commentary guy actually picked Serbia to come out of that side of the bracket. What an idiot. Jordan Larson and Kim Hill won’t let that shit happen. But they better start getting their fucking serves down.
After an intense game against Switzerland, Kerri Walsh-Jennings and April Ross have been rolling. They are set up for a semi-final match against the number two seed from Brazil, Agatha and Barbara. Walsh-Jennings and Ross are probably the better athletes and power players, but Agatha and Barbara play unbelievable defense. They make you make the mistakes so it’ll definitely be a much tougher test than the first two rounds of the knockout stage were for Walsh-Jennings and Ross. Also I love Kerri Walsh-Jennings.
For the men, Phil Daulhausser and Nick Luceno have a HUGE matchup against Alison and Bruno from Brazil in the quarterfinals today. Many consider Daulhausser and Alison to be two of the best players in the world so this is certainly must-watch TV. Alison and Bruno are the one seed, but were upset twice in pool play and thus got a lower seed. This is going to be such an intense fucking game.
- The US Field Hockey team went 4-1 in pool play, but sadly were knocked out by Germany today. The 4-1 mark was the best the US has done since the 1984 Los Angeles Games as the beat powers Argentina and the Netherlands.
- Justin Rose won the first gold medal in golf in over 100 years for Great Britain. American Matt Kuchar got the bronze.
- Puerto Rican tennis player Monica Puig won gold in women’s singles and is 1000% on my list of “Olympians I Want to Marry” (full list coming out later this week)
Tennis players are hot.
- It was a tough week for “America’s Sweethearts” as not only was our girl Alex Morgan eliminated, but also future wife of mine, Kassidy Cook didn’t make it past the semis after some stupid Canadian basically back flopped into the pool and the stupid ass judges gave her a score just high enough to knock Kassidy to the 13th place (top 12 went to the finals). Fucking bullshit. She’ll be back in four years for sure.Cute as a button
- There’s a Chinese table tennis player named “Ding Ning” and she’s obviously really good. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
- The US Women’s Rowing team won their event which I believe was like the 8 man 2000 meters
- Molly Huddle set an American record in the 5k, but came in 6th. Apparently in literally every other Olympics she would have gotten a medal. So everyone who placed 1-5 is on steroids.
- The US was winning the medal race with 69 medals, therefore his means they won the medal race as they were the first to 69.
- Usain Bolt is still the fastest man in the world
Alright one more week left of Olympic action. Keep an eye out for another round-up later this week and of course make sure you look for my List of Olympic Women I Would Marry coming out Thursday. Go USA!