I briefly touched on how much it must suck to be Ryan Lochte in my second Olympic round up, but this whole Lochte saga that may or may not lead to a war between Brazil and the United States in the near future is on a whole other level.

Just a quick summary of what happened, Lochte said he and three other no-name swimmers went to a party at “Club France” which I’m assuming is the bar in the French village or something.  On the way home, Lochte claims they were pulled over by fake cops and held at gunpoint.  He went onto say that the three other loser swimmers got on the ground as they were instructed by the gunman, while he refused.  Then he said that the gunman put the gun on his forehead, cocked it and Lochte replied by saying “whatever.”  Then for whatever reason, the gunman didn’t shoot him, but instead just stole some things from them and left.

How the fuck did I ever believe this story?  Just typing that quick summary now I was thinking to myself “how did anyone believe this?”  The only thing that could have made it LESS believable is if instead of saying “whatever” when the gunman allegedly put the gun on Lochte’s head, is if Lochte said he said “jeah” – the word that he trademarked.

Could you imagine that?  Lochte is in Brazilian interrogation and they’re like “so then what happened after you didn’t get on the ground?”

“Well I looked the gunman straight in the eyes and said ‘Jeah.'”

“Jeah? What does that mean?”

“It’s the word I trademarked.”

“Why did you trademar….but what does it mean?”


Who would have thought that the Brazilians would actually be the lucid ones in this whole thing?

But I digress.  Anyways there is actual evidence and video of Lochte and his crew in a bathroom at a gas station breaking down doors and fighting security or something.  I feel like this in South Park when they TP the teacher’s house and they’re trying to all remember the same story.  Lochte was probably like Cartman and just said “don’t worry guys I’ll do the talking” and then the police decided to interview them separately.

Well now Lochte is safe in the US and there’s still a couple of the loser swimmers stuck in Brazil getting questioned.  I can just imagine Lochte texting and facetiming them every second he gets and saying “STICK TO THE STORY” but then in the next couple days when the evidence inevitably shows that they were lying, Lochte will come clean and think it will  look like he learned his lesson and everyone will say “oh good for you Ryan” but in reality everyone will say “why the hell didn’t you just tell the truth you fucking idiot?”

I mean if it was just a fight, what’s the big fucking deal?  Maybe they get slapped with a suspension from USA swimming and a misdemeanor or something minor.  Maybe it was more than a fight.  Maybe they killed a guy.  I don’t know.  This whole thing is just bizarre and so “Ryan Lochte” and I, for one cannot wait for even more information to come out.

One more thing, say what you will about Michael Phelps being the “bad boy” with his DUI and smoking weed and shit, but he has never caused a riff in international relations for the United States.