I had the brilliant idea not too long ago to toss out a whole 16-week prediction of the Giants upcoming season. I wanted to write it realistically (sort of), so there are some times where even die-hard Giants fans may be pissed at me. But I think this narrative you’re about to dive into is VERY plausible… well, for the most part. I am a New Yorker after all!
With further ado, here we go…
Week 1 – @Cowboys
This will be an absolute shootout. And, unfortunately, history would tell us it’ll be a loss. Since 2007, we have played Dallas in the opener 4 times, losing all 4, but holy shit have they been high scoring affairs. Dallas has averaged 33 points per game and we’ve averaged a little over 27. Honestly, that’s kind of crazy. I’m thinking Week 1 maybe defenses are still asleep or just not really *NYSNC. My prediction is we lose this game. We aren’t a team to come out of the gates looking sharp – at least not on BOTH ends. The media will crush us and we’ll think the season is fucked because we lost one game, this story has been written a million times over. We lose Week 1 in a shootout.
Week 2 – Saints
Win. But much of the same shit from Week 1. The Saints led the league in offensive passing yards last year but also couldn’t stop shit on defense (dead last in points against). I personally see this – after the Giants get lit up Week 1, the defense steps it the fuck up and we take Week 2 by storm. We still let up like 20 but we win big win. We feel on top of the world at 1-1. Eli is walking around feeling so big that he’s dragging it on the floor.
Week 3 – Redskins
Do I even need to say it? Of course this is a win. The Redskins suck and are an absolute joke. I know they owned the NFC East last year, but that’s only because every other team decided to play a sick joke on the league and let the red-headed step child win for once. We will beat the Redskins in Week 3. Mark it down. I’ll further this prediction by saying the Giants will be up 14+ in the 4th, so the Redskins will decide to exclusively pass to try and catch up. In doing so, Kirk Cousins will go down with an injury and Colt McCoy will come in and play EXCEPTIONAL football. Leading a few drives that ultimately come up too little, too late. This will lead to the never ending QB controversy down in DC that the Skins – like flies to shit – seem to attract so well!
Week 4 – @Vikings
Easy for me to see AP running for 150 here, giving Bridgewater the help he needs to put up somewhere between solid and big numbers. I see them scoring ABOUT 20 and given that they had one of the better defenses in the league last year, the Giants will see a close game – potentially for the 3rd time this season (Cowboys & Saints being close, Washington never really FEELING like we were going to lose). Luckily, I also see Eli having a game where he rides some momentum from Week 3. I’m picturing a 24-20 victory or something like that where we feel like it was a big win but the scoreboard doesn’t really reflect it.
Week 5 – @Packers
Okay, back to reality. The Giants sitting pretty at 3-1 will have a huge “kick to the pants” week here as Aaron Rodgers and Green Bay will put up silly numbers. This will be one of those WTF weeks for New York fans. We come into the game feeling good off a tight Minnesota win, and then the Packers absolutely destroy us and we wonder what Ryan Nassib and the future holds for us in New York… You know we’ve all been there. This is a loss.
Week 6 – Ravens
This one is easy but for reasons completely off the field. This is probably the first game I, WCS Taylor, will be in attendance for this year, and the crew I’m going with is on a 3-game hot streak. 3 years ago it was the Raiders, then it was the Texans, and then last year we saw the 49ers go down in what was just an absolute orgasmic finish to the game with #84, my boy Larry Donnell, hauling down a ball in the endzone to win it all. Listen, I’m not a crazy superstitious person – but I am a little ‘stitious and our crew alone wins us this game at MetLife. But if you want REAL legitimate analysis on how/why we win – Joe Flacco sucks, he is NOT elite, and the Giants defense holds them to under 10 points. I’m thinking 34-7 with AT LEAST one defensive TD off a Flacco pick. Chalk it up – WIN.
Week 7 – @Rams
I have a feeling this LA team is just going to be atrocious this year, so I really do see this as a pretty easy win. The Rams were dead last in passing yards for last year, toward to bottom in total points for and middle of the road on the defensive end. Not to mention there’s already talks of Case Keenum being the starter and letting Goff learn – which honestly I think is a no brainer with rookie QB’s, but it doesn’t bode well for any immediate success for the Rams. I think the G-Men win another easy one and head into the Bye week cocky AF.
Week 9 – Eagles
Honestly, there never is a Eagles game I feel good about. Everything about me wants to write about Sam Bradford sucking (which he does) or that their franchise is so stupid to trade everything for Carson Wentz, who I’ve heard may not even dress for games (LITERALLY, EL OH EL). I still see the Giants saying this heading into Week 9 (**read in a really dumb girls voice**): “Like OMGGG. We’re like 5-2 and we’re soooooooo good. OBJ is the greatest receiver everrrr and our defense is like totallyyy good enough to win it all.” And as we know, whenever the Giants feel like that, we already lost the following week. Call it the curse having witnessed LIVE the “Miracle at the Meadowlands” but I know Philly steals one from us at home. Loss.
Week 10 – Bengals
Okay, we’re 5-3. People are starting to see a collapse coming as we play the Bengals – a team who’s defense is pretty tits. My guess is by Week 12, the Bengals will be about .500 because that’s who they are – lez be honest – last year’s 12-4 was a silly joke. Their defense is STOUT, I’ll give them that, but at some point their soul-less QB (aka Kevin McArthur’s doppelganger) isn’t going to be playing out of his mind. To me, in his 2016 season, the clock will strike midnight on this Ginger-rella… But we aren’t talking Cincinnati football right now, we’re talking Week 10 for our men in Blue. I, for whatever reason, see a 5-4 or 4-5 Bengals team coming to MetLife and AJ Green having a big game. Their defense is solid and will give us headaches and we see our first back to back losses, and are looking at 5-4. FUCK.
Week 11 – Bears
Phew. This is an easy win. I just don’t see the Giants falling 3 straight weeks and the Bears do not scare me in the slightest. They’re coming off a rough year and I don’t see much in terms of improvement. I give this one a double digit victory but maybe more important than that, we regain a domination LOOK that we hadn’t seen in weeks… and everyone will ignore the fact that we did it against a bad Chicago team.
Week 12 – @Browns
RGIII has DEFINITELY been hurt at least once at this point in the season, so he’ll probably be questionable heading into this game. Josh McCown isn’t exactly feared, so honestly, I see another bad team in Week 12. A bad team that we will beat. Their defense was bad in 2015, and their offense just doesn’t make me worry. I see another win and all of a sudden, Giants fans start talking playoffs again (keep in mind we keep winning against bad teams).
Week 13 – @Steelers
REALITY CHECK. This is the game I see us viewing as a pivotal game: Will the Giants a top NFC team, or will we have to rely on other teams to lose, stumble into the playoffs, for some unknown reason magic happens and we meet Tom Brady in the Super Bowl? It’s just one of those tough matchups we will view that way. Now, I do see Pittsburgh with a high regard – they’re a phenomenal organization. I think AB is going to have a HUGE year. The Bell suspension will only serve to keep him fresher longer. Ben Roethlisberger will be doing Ben things – riding motorcycles without helmets, crushing college poon, you know – the usual. To be honest, the Steelers are a good team and unfortunately I see a loss here. The Giants sit at 7-5 with 4 games left and the playoffs are all of a sudden so far when just last week we felt great about it.
Week 14 – Cowboys
Redemption game. By now Romo is in a full body cast. Jerry Jones obviously signed Michael Vick and the Giants are probably thinking like, “Oh, he’s a backup and old and whatever, we’ll be fine.” Well, I personally have seen Vick enough to think he can always scramble on third and light us up. I see a 350+ game for Vick (all purpose yards) but maybe he does something stupid like throws too many picks or fumbles and THAT is how the door opens for a win. I think on the flip-side Eli has a GAME at home. I think he and OBJ just go out and (proverbially) make a baby. Giants win – a BIG win. A random prediction is that by this point, Dez, who is completely mind-fucked by his franchise and all its inevitable chaos, goes OFF at a post game press conference and after his 7th year in Dallas, Cowboys fans start calling for his head. The 2017 off-season for Dallas will be Dez Madness – you heard it here first.
Week 15 – Lions
I don’t know why this game even makes me hesitate. This should be a “Calvin Johnson buried this team by leaving and the Giants win by 50” situation but for some reason I’m balking. Maybe it’s because I’m a “Frat Stafford” fan. I could see this being a game we look real good in the first half, like up 20 at half, and then the greatest Georgia Bulldog of all time just crushes the 2nd half, making Giants fans scared as hell til the final 0:00. I give this a 23-20 win with almost nothing coming from the 2nd half that looked remotely like we are a good football team.
Week 16 – @Eagles
For those of you keeping score at home (subliminal messaging for our other WCS Podcast), we are 9-5 heading into this. Two games away from an 11-5 season and honestly, feeling great about that, BUT two weeks away from potentially a 9-7 season and tremendous disappointment missing the playoffs after spending a boatload on free agents. And here comes two division games to finish the season ON THE ROAD. First up – Philly. I mentioned earlier I thought Philly would play spoiler to our home-stand against them. That’s just me being cautiously pessimistic (if that’s even a thing) for when we play the Eagles. I don’t think they are good – I just think they play us hard. I see Week 16 no different. We probably go into Philly with a cocky attitude, and they play us SO HARD. It’ll be them playing spoiler at this point because let’s face it – they won’t be a contender! I honestly just think it’ll be a nasty Eagles-Giants game. I’m thinking it’s ugly, neither team over 20, but we win. A gritty, ugly win. Eli has 2 or 3 turnovers.
Week 17 – @Redskins
And here we are – Week 17! Josh Norman and OBJ square off one last time before the playoffs. I honestly see this game as POTENTIALLY being a solid way to get momentum going in – that we ultimately squander. We had a tough win last week and we will view the lowly Redskins (since they WILL suck) as a team to walk all over, before heading into a home playoff game as a 3 or 4 seed – the first we’ll have seen at home since January 2012 (when we shut the Falcons OFFENSE out). In complete Giants fashion however, we will make this look UGLY. I mean like if we win, we’re thinking to ourselves “How the fuck are we a playoff team?!” And guess what, I don’t want to head into the playoffs any other way… We win on the scoreboard, but we feel like our team sucks. Hey New England, you remember how this story ends?
That gives us an 11-5 record folks. That will put us in the playoffs, probably a home playoff game Round 1. LET’S GOOOO!!!
Well, there you have it folks. You just read the entire Giants season. As I look back over it, I like our odds. I know there are about 4 games that I could’ve gone either way on, but since last year NONE went our way – it opens up this year to have ALL of them go our way.
Tomorrow I plan to post my Jets prediction – will Gang Green see the playoffs in my eyes? #GreenMeansGo