As a 8-year resident of the great north (Syracuse), I have to pay my respects to the oft-forgotten Buffalo team. Yes, New York DOES in fact have a team that plays IN the state of New York… And out in Buffalo, it is a cult. They bleed Bills football and they don’t trust outsiders. It’s crazy. I worked in sales up there and I swear to god, EVERY Buffalo person when they hear you’re not from around there immediately thinks you’re out to swindle them. It’s crazy.
But anyway, in my time there, I got caught up in the #BillsMafia culture… and to be completely honest, I loved it. They’re delusional. Gotta love that passion. I am certainly a Bills guy but I see them as New York’s red headed step-child – I love them, but they still have no soul.
Without further ado, let’s see how the 2016 Season plays out for the Bills!!
Week 1 @Ravens. What a way to start the season… Joe Flacco and his “elite” abilities against the Bills who all collectively decided to be injured or get suspended for Week 1 (shoutout to Marcel Dareus, Karlos Williams, Shaq Lawson AND Manny Lawson). I mean, I just need to be consistent, and I believe the Ravens will suck – so this is a Baltimore loss. Not so much a Bills win, but a BIG Baltimore loss. I’m thinking the Bills score no more than 20, the Ravens score no more than 10.
Week 2 Jets. Wow, I never thought my Jets predictions would come full circle (Creed reference) but here we are… I think the Bills will win this game. I think Tyrod Taylor will have a big game against the Jets defense… Like, maybe they do a good job of covering Sammy, but the pass rush will force Tyrod out of the pocket and he’ll make moves with his feet.
Week 3 Cardinals. The Cardinals and Bengals man… I just never see these two as good, and then they are. Last year the Cards weren’t just good – they were SICK. Unfortunately, I see a loss for the Bills here… Just a tough matchup where the Bills might be out matched and out classed.
Week 4 @Patriots. Okay, Brady is still suspended for this one… So I’m taking the Bills here. It won’t be easy, but Rex will have this team fired up for what he always makes his “Super Bowl”. The Bills will steal a Patriots game IN FOXBOROUGH and be high on their horse that they also NOW will have guys coming off suspensions and getting healthy. And oh by the way, if you’ve been paying attention they’re 3-1… Trust me, people in Buffalo will see playoffs already.
Week 5 @Rams. EL OH EL. This season is a breeze for Rex. This is another win in a schedule that could make anyone look like a stud. The Rams will be bad, again, maybe this is a trap game, but I think Rex will have them straight for this game. 4-1. Wow.
Week 6 49ers. So this sucks and pains me to say. but I think Kaepernick and Chip Kelly will be a match made in heaven – even if he don’t stand for the national anthem. I think the Bills will get a taste of their own medicine and a mobile quarterback is going to haunt them. Toss loss, but Bills fans will be like “Eh, fuck it, 4-2 is pretty fucking good. LET’S GO BUFALLOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Week 7 @Dolphins. Ultimate trap game from the ultimate trap team. Dolphins will win. Not because they are better but because they get lucky. Something wacky will happen and the Bills will lose. This will be either a meltdown from Tyrod, or Buffalo for some reason can’t run. It will be a weird game that’s just like, wtf bruh… But the Bills will fall trap to a bad Miami team.
Week 8 Patriots. TFB is going to come back and try to put up 100 on the board to avenge Week 4’s Loss. I see him going NUTS at the Ralph (still holding strong to not calling it by its other name #respect). I’ll further this by saying he may receive a fine after Week 8 for an excessive celebration – I’m thinking he flips off Bills fans or something hilarious. Patriots win in a landslide.
Week 9 @Seahawks. This is a reverse trap. I know Seattle is awesome at home and the 12th man is probably the reason. But I could see Seattle going into this game with the mindset that they already got it in the bad, and instead, the Bills steal one. High scoring, Russell vs Taylor, passing, rushing, defensive scores, kickoff returns, this game will have it all. High scoring, big win on the road… Rex is going to swell like the first time he saw the move Happy Feet (the porno version).
Week 11 @Bengals. Yes, I am stuck in a mindset that the Bengals aren’t good. BUT, I could see Rex putting together a scheme to stop AJ Green and the Bengals, and the Bills somehow steal another on their road trip. 6-4 heading home.
Week 12 Jaguars. Win. I don’t want to get into this much – I still don’t believe in the Jaguars. Maybe they’re good and I’m the idiot. But to me, from where I stand, Bills win an easy one to an improved, but still not good enough Jags team. Holy fuck, we’re 7-4!
Week 13 @Raiders. Repeat of Week 12 – a team that I will live my life believing they are bad, regardless of the progress they’ve made… But this week, I give it to Oakland. I think Carr and Amare Cooper are going to be a duo and the Bills may walk into this week too cocky. Both these teams will be in the thick of the Wild Card hunt and I see the Raiders pulling it out.
Week 14 Steelers. Loss. My love for the Pittsburgh organization is too much. I know. But this seems simple. Pittsburgh will start locking up their playoff spot and the Bills will appear to be all but derailed. FUCK.
Week 15 Browns. HERE WE GO!!! Thank god for RGIII’s glass body. By now Josh McCown probably also is hurt and they’re starting someone nobody has ever heard of (I feel like this sort of stuff is just commonplace in Cleveland football). Bills win, keeping their slim playoff hopes (if any) alive.
Week 16 Dolphins. Just the sort of game the Bills need. A bad team, at home, again, to keep those playoff hopes alive… making Week 17 and “Win and In” against the Jets. A familiar Week 17 matchup for Buffalo…
Week 17 @Jets. The icing on the cake of this unbelievable season. The Jets will take the Bills in a unreal bloodthirsty vengeance game. Not only will it sting that Buffalo had a chance til the bitter end because of their red hot start, but their demise came at the hand of the Jets. The same Jets who last year Week 17 Buffalo demoralized and kept from the playoffs. Buffalo’s streak continues to 17 years of being blue-balled from the playoffs…
Buffalo, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry.
I already know you’re reading this and saying, “Fuck Taylor, he doesn’t know shit.” But I do. If there is one thing I learned in my time up north, it’s that the Bills are heart-breakers and they will crush you every year. Don’t kill the messenger though I bet it’s too late and you’re already on the way.
Still Missing Thad Lewis,