Well, Week 1 in the NFL is over and OH MY CHINA was that a week of some damn good football. I want to run by each game, game-by-game in a “Lightning Round” of commentary only a jackass like me could provide…
Broncos 21, Panthers 20 – Opening the season with a Super Bowl rematch is bound to be a hell of a game and they didn’t let us down. SURRRRE Cam may have taken a few shots to the head, but it’s not like that’s a big deal in this day and age…
Ravens 13, Bills 7 – So I definitely thought the Bills would win this one because I figured the Ravens would suck. Well, considering the Ravens could only put up 13 points against a suspended/injury depleted Buffalo team – I wasn’t wrong. Joe Flacco still sucks and the world goes round and round.
Giants 20, Cowboys 19 – Without Romo I thought we’d take this game a bit more handily, BUT having Cruz looking like he’s back PLUS Sterling Shepard looks like a stud, and OBJ still just a freak… We have a three headed monster that teams should fear all season.
Packers 27, Jaguars 23 – The Jags are certainly improved and Blake will certainly have them #JagginOff by season’s end, but Rodgers & Co are still that team. Go Pack Go!!
Texans 23, Bears 14 – Brock, to my absolute surprise, is looking like he made the right move by walking and saying “fuck you” to John Elway and the Bronco’s… But honestly, who can’t when you have Will Fuller (obviously the premier target in Houston… no bias that he’s ND) and DeAndre Hopkins. Ignoring the fact that the Bears are awful and Jay Cutler’s diabetes look ROUGH.
Eagles 29, Browns 10 – RGIII gets hurt for the 69th time in his 5 years in the league, what a joke. And Carson Wentz saying he doesn’t “get nervous”. Bro, fuck off. Tell me you’re not nervous when a real team plays you and tosses your hick ass to the ground. Fuck you and fuck Philly. Congrats on a buttcheeks win.
Buccaneers 31, Falcons 24 – Break out the crab legs, Jameis Winston continues his success from last year with one HELL of a week one. Spreads the ball, 4 TD’s, beating a division rival. On the flipside – Devonta Freeman was invisible, Julio only 6 catches on 8 targets… If I’m Atlanta, toss that ball to Julio every play (i.e. Megatron in Detroit #RIP). Gameplan for (Madden) success, you’re welcome!
Vikings 25, Titans 16 – What if I told you 4 weeks ago that in Week 1, Adrian Peterson would have 31 total yards, no TD’s and Shaun Hill was starting for the Vikings… AND they’d score 25 in a win?! The Vikings were my dark horse pick last month and the Bridgewater injury hurts that pick, but they proved Sunday “No Teddy, No problem”. Also, DeMarco Murray, thanks for the 2 receiving TD’s, – my fantasy team spot starting you thanks you BIG TIME.
Bengals 23, Jets 22 – Well, I knew AJ Green was going to run all over the Jets defense, but I had this as a win for Gang Green. Tough loss for our boys and Brandon Marshall better say goodbye to his Porschesay goodbye to his Porsche at this rate (he’s currently down 126-18… WHOOPS!!).
Raiders 35, Saints 34 – That 2-PT conversion is one of those move that seems so dumb after they miss it, but BRILLIANT when it works out. Derek Carr and the Raiders, I thought you’d easily beat these Saints, but to quote ol’ Al: “JUST WIN BABY WIN!!!”
Seahawks 12, Dolphins 10 – Well, I figured the Dolphins would suck. I didn’t think the Seahawks would ALSO suck. But a win is a win, even if your star QB did get hurt in the process.
Chiefs 33, Chargers 27 – Another year of post-game pressers full of bolo ties and sadness for Philip Rivers… Good thing he’s got like 15 sex trophies running around otherwise, honestly, life would suck for that guy.
Lions 39, Colts 35 – Who would’ve thought a Calvin Johnson-less Lions offense would score 39 points? Honestly… But big congrats to Frat Stafford, former Bulldog GREAT (@WCS_Miller), and my boy Golden Tate. Looks like the Lions won’t be the joke (offensively) I thought they would. On the flipside, Colts, what the flip?! Will you ever return to what you were a few years ago? Poor Andrew Luck…
Patriots 23, Cardinals 21 – Cards, I expected more out of you. But hate them or not, the Patriots are just an elite team. Take TFB away and still plug Garappolo, they still win. AND, to boot, Belichick quells any stupid QB controversy that would follow anywhere else…
Steelers 38, Redskins 16 – Thank god the Redskins finally look like they should. They pay all this money for Josh Norman and Antonio Brown makes him look like any other corner in the league – bitching for calls and letting his guy go OFF. Redskins suck, Steelers are legit – this game was exactly what I thought it would be.
49ers 28, Rams 0 – The best thing about this game was when Phantom Planet “California” was playing in the game before it to hype it up. Nothing gets me more hyped in the world than hearing the old “The OC” theme song. Rams suck, that was clear – 49ers just beat a bad team, they’re probably average at best.
As usual, sift through the huge bias that I have, but this was a GREAT week of football. Glad to have you back NFL, you really are #bae.
McAdoo’s Bowlcut is Fire,