With today being the first official day of the MLB off season, while some teams are taking the day off, the Philadelphia Phillies announced that they have hired Matt Stairs, (the original) Professional Hitter as their hitting coach.
Now I know I’m known on this site for having some relatively “hot takes” and being hyperbolic at times, so let me give you my serious opinion on this hiring: this is a top three move that an organization has made in the history of baseball. It honestly goes like 1. The Cubs hiring Theo, 2. The Red Sox dumping Crawford, Gonzalez and Beckett (and Nick Punto) in 2012 and 3. The Phillies hiring Matt Stairs as their new hitting coach.
I admit may be a little biased here because Matt Stairs is one of my favorite
baseball players people of all time, but seriously this is a big win not only for the Phillies, but for the city of Philadelphia. Matt Stairs back in a Phillies uniform at the very least gives a .001% chance that there could be a game in mid August that he might grab a bat and step to the plate.
On top of that, Matt Stairs advice for hitters will probably be to just swing as hard as they can which is the bet advice you can give any hitter. In case you forgot, after ruined Jonathan Broxton’s career and life, he was asked about the at bat and said the following:
“It’s just like when I’m playing…I swung as hard as I could and squared it up.”
Goddamnit the Phillies are so fucking lucky they have Matt Stairs. I’m predicting a team average of about .220, but they’ll hit no less than 900 home runs. Everyone knows that home runs win games and chicks dig the long ball so 162-0 is not out of the question nor is 162 chicks banged per player. The Phillies are going to be the hardest swinging team in the history of baseball with both their bats and their dicks.
Oh and Stairs knows how to party too.