Today at my place of employment, one of my co-workers and I were talking about animals.  Horses in particular was the topic of conversation.  For whatever reason, we were talking about selective breeding and she was telling me that she thought it was inhumane to force horses to mate or something.  To be completely honest, I’m not exactly sure what she was saying.  My only contribution to this conversation was “yeah horses are pretty big” and “well how would you produce the best race horses?”

My co-worker, who we’ll call Sue, is a real nice lady.  She’s significantly older than me and is pretty old fashioned so I was doing a lot of polite nodding and throwing in some “that’s true“s and “I never thought of that“s.  But then as the conversation was dying down, Sue hit me with “do you know why there aren’t any unicorns anymore?”

I stared at Sue for a second.  I was very confused as to why she said “anymore” as if there had been unicorns at one point in time.  I also didn’t know if she was joking.  Sue doesn’t tell a whole lot of jokes, but why the fuck else would she ask such an outrageous question, phrased the way it was?  So I decided to play along and said “No I don’t, Sue.”

Anticipating a punchline of “because there was only enough corn for one of them” or something, Sue began explaining:

“When Noah was building his arc, he tried to get two of each animal onto his boat…”

I’m thinking “okay we got a Biblical joke.  I can get down with a good Biblical joke from a nice old lady.”

“He tried to get two unicorns on the boat, but they were so stubborn and they wouldn’t listen so he left them.  And they didn’t survive the flood.”

That was it.  That was the whole story.  I thought maybe she caught on that I was just feeding her cliche answers when we were discussing selective breeding, and this was just a passive aggressive, albeit odd way to tell me that she knew I wasn’t listening, but the look on her face did not say that.  She looked serious, like she was trying to start another conversation or something.  I really didn’t know if this was something she believed in or if it was like an old proverb or something or if it was a passive aggressive comment.  I was befuddled. I wanted to say “I thought unicorns aren’t around anymore because they are imaginary” but all I could muster out was an “oh wow.”

The rest of my work day was spent analyzing and dissecting this theory about unicorns.  I did some heavy research (google and Wikipedia) and found no remnants of this story.  There was nothing.  I read that entire fucking Wikipedia page, which is really goddamn long to find something.  I hit “CTRL+F” to bring up a search on the page and typed in “noah.”  Nothing.  Where did Sue hear this?  Is it true?  I have so many questions, but I can’t bring this back up.  It would just be too awkward and then I would have to start a conversation with Sue.  Fucking unicorns, man.

 

@WhatAKetchWCS