I don’t know if you’ve heard, but this is the most controversial season of the The Bachelor yet.  Last Monday, Nick met the women.  Thirty women in all, stepped out of the limo and began their journey to find love.  I have to say, out of all the seasons that I have watched, pound for pound this was one of the weaker classes in both looks and entrances.  Nothing outrageously special, nothing outrageously awful.  So in this blog, we are going to look at the Mount Rushmore of entrances as well as the Mount Flushmore and maybe some other highlights.  Let’s start with the Mount Rushmore:

2017-01-08 (1).pngDanielle L gets on Mount Rushmore because when she stepped out of the limo I gasped at her beauty.  I mean, holy shit.  Also Nick was just staring at her boobs literally every time her spoke to her.  Danielle L coming out firing on all levels.  Goddamn.

Ida Marie (or Maria, can’t remember which one) had a nice entrance with the trust fall. Apparently it wasn’t good enough though because she got axed.

2017-01-08 (8).pngReally an awful picture of what was a cute Eskimo girl, but the topical entrance of wearing an Eskimo coat and giving Nick Eskimo kisses was pretty good.  If she had just had a lantern that was burning whale blubber it would have made this entrance go from good to legendary.

2017-01-08 (14).pngCorinne, the resident whore on this season gets the final spot on Mt Rushmore because of her hug coins.  A very savvy idea that she can use throughout the season.  The stupid coins give Nick a constant reminder that she is there.  Not flashy, but a very good strategic play.

Alright and now for the Mount Flushmore (the worst ones)

This was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.  Not only was the whole “I have balls” joke stupid and awful, but she picked her nose.  I still don’t even understand how she did this.  Like the nose ring wasn’t there and then it was.  Was it hiding in her nose?  Did she some how hook it up when she picked her nose?  I don’t get it.  But regardless, that type of nose ring is a bad look.  I’m not a big nose ring guy to begin with, but I can respect that some girls can pull of a stud or a hoop around the nostril, but the bull nose ring is awful.bullNot even a bull looks good with a bull nose ring.  Just awful.  Be better Jaimi.

2017-01-08 (10).pngFucking Nial.  One of the black girls brought him in for her entrance.  Nial, the contract says you come onto the show once per season.

2017-01-08 (3).pngTaylor came in and promptly told Nick that all her friends thought he was piece of shit.  Not only that, but they showed her inside, again reiterating the fact that everyone she’s ever met thought Nick was a piece of shit.

2017-01-08 (2).pngChristen did this thing with the fan.  I don’t really know why, but I hated this.  It was dumb and pointless and I think I hate Christen.

Alright so I know I ranked the Mount Flushmore and Mount Rushmore, but now it’s time to give out the MVP of the episode.  And that, of course goes to America’s newest sweetheart, Alexis the Dolphin.

Coming in a costume takes grit.  We can all appreciate a good example of grit and that’s what Alexis gave us Monday night.  Sure, the entrance itself wasn’t the most exciting thing, but when you look at the entire body of work Alexis gave us, it was a performance that will go down in history as one of greatest of all time.  From getting absolutely shitfaced2017-01-08 (37).pngTo jumping in the pool IN HER SHARK COSTUME, to again, being shitfaced, to refusing to admit that her clearly shark costume was indeed a shark, it was just incredible.  And on top of that, she got a rose.  I mean you looked at her and said “yeah she’s entertaining for tonight, but she’s not a contender” and then there she was at the end of the episode, stumbling up to Nick, slurring her words and accepting a rose.  Just an outstanding performance that goes down with some of the other opening night greats like Ryan M, Daniel the Canadian and that chick that got so drunk she fell off the riser.  Great job, Alexis.  She was just another reminder that not all heroes wear capes.

Some other quick highlights from Opening Night:

2017-01-08 (12).pngOne of the bigger stories of the night was that this girl, Liz, apparently banged Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.  She wasn’t sure if Nick would remember her, which I found odd.  Did she think that Nick is this great cocksman that just bangs everything in sight and can’t remember all the different women he’s had sex with?  I mean I think most people can remember a person that banged.  Anyways, Nick kind of called her out.2017-01-08-34By bringing up a relatively good point that questioned if Liz was there for the right reasons.  He said “um you could have gotten my number if you wanted to do meet up instead of just coming on the show for your fifteen minutes of fame.”  And she responded that she is not usually one to do phones.  Bullshit.  She’s there for the wrong reasons.  Here at Water Cooler Sports, we take the right reasons very seriously so Liz has been blacklisted.

2017-01-08 (24).pngI actually can’t believe I forgot this, but this, this right here is the worst entrance of all.  Josephine made Nick eat a raw hot dog Lady and the Tramp style.  I don’t even need to comment on this, the sentence “Josephine made Nick eat a raw hot dog Lady and the Tramp style” just says it all.

2017-01-08 (36).pngHistory was possibly made when Rachel got the Impression rose.  Congratulations, Rachel and I know there’s a lot of people saying “ABC told Nick he had to give it to her and she’ll only go deep because ABC is making her go deep” but I actually like Rachel and I think she has great opportunity to make a deep run in the show organically.  Jackie Robinson, Rosa Parks and Rachel.

2017-01-08-18Everyone loves Danielle M.  I like her, but she’s not even the best Danielle this season.2017-01-08-15They also like Vanessa, who I also like.  Nick was again staring at her boobs every time they talked.  2017-01-08-11Astrid looks like the love child of Cher and Andi Dorfman.

Everyone wore red and the girls were FREAKING OUT.  (By the way, I’m a big Whitney guy)

The Rose Ceremony went by relatively eventless, but Nick for some reason took Jaimie over Lauren the hot blonde and Olivia the cute Eskimo.  Again, he took her:bull

Oops sorry…I mean he took her:2017-01-08-43Over her2017-01-08-45AND over her:2017-01-08-44

Unbelievable.

 

Alright so that wraps up the first review of the season.  It feels good to be back.  The Survivor Pool starts with the next episode so make sure you get those picks in!

 

@ABCDTheBachelor

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