Pound for pound, that was the most action packed episode of The Bachelor I have ever seen.  If the rest of the season is going to be like that, we are in for a treat.  Unfortunately, I think the only direction we can go from here is down.  Two huge story lines are already broken.  The promo’s big draws were Corinne taking off her top and the Secret of Liz and Nick.  Both of those things happened.  I’m hoping and praying that this isn’t like a movie that shows the best parts in the trailer, but we’ll have to find out.

On the flip side of all of that though is that there is easily going to be some huge fallout from Nick coming clean about Liz and we still have Corinne sneaking into Nick’s room to bang him to look forward to as well.  Regardless, this isn’t about the future episodes, this is about an episode that easily will go down as one of the best of all time.

Alright so I never know exactly how to format these “early episode” blogs.  There’s too many girls to do Power Rankings, but I don’t just want to regurgitate the episode.  I decided this time round that I’d take some screenshots from the episode and just let it rip.  At the end, I will give my MVP of the episode as well…  Alright, so let’s RIP.2017-01-15 (8).pngThis guy right here fucks.  Not sure what he fucks, but I am sure that he does indeed fuck.  He also takes wedding photos, which is what the first date was.  Each girl took a themed wedding photo with Nick.  Some highlights:

Reigning MVP, Alexis got to do a shotgun wedding with Nick.  She wore the part well.2017-01-15 (16).pngShe started off looking to defend her MVP title.2017-01-15-18Note the photographer’s full outfit.2017-01-15 (9).pngThen there was Brittany.  Brittany had the task of wearing a leaf bikini bottom and nothing on top.  This was a make or break moment for Brittany.  2017-01-15-13Holy shit.  When she came into the room, I said “Wow.”  I mean from last week you knew she had some potential, but this in my opinion launched her up in the upper tier.  It’s like a couple years ago when Kawhi Leonard took the leap to super star.  He came out from a mid-major and you knew he was good and had potential, but suddenly something clicked and he just turned into an absolute stud.  When Brittany walked in like this, she turned into an absolute stud (in my opinion).

Well done, Brittany.2017-01-15 (12).pngThe real, big story though was that this is when the Corinne saga started.  First she was pissed because Brittany got to be the topless one.  Then she decided to take matters into her own hands…2017-01-15 (31).pngAnd just took her top off in the pool.  The girls were not impressed2017-01-15 (32).pngBut you know what?  I can’t hate the player on this one.  Nick is a weirdo.  If this was Ben H or Soules, they’d probably be like, “Hey, uh, can you not do that?”  But Nick is so weird.  Maybe Corinne is just that good at reading people and knew that Nick would like this.  It’s a smart play on her part.  It’s like when Belichick ran that play against the Ravens with the weird formation a few years ago.  Nobody had ever seen it so they thought it was illegal, but it wasn’t.  It was just a smart, borderline-cheap play.  Is Corinne the Bill Belichick of this year?

She could be, but Nick also took this opportunity to make out with literally every girl on this date in front of everyone else.  It turned into a goddamn kissing booth.

Get a room.  One more thing about the wedding photo shoot.  Danielle L looked FANTASTIC.2017-01-15 (17).pngAt night, Corinne took control and went to see Nick, not once, not twice, but THREE times.

She came in and took time from Alexis!  HOW DARE SHE!!2017-01-15-35Alexis, who still denied that she was a shark and, SHOCKER, got a boob job last year.  Corinne also stole time from Taylor.2017-01-15-36Who then went back to talk about how she felt with Alexis2017-01-15-37And Alexis, being the concerned friend she is asked Taylor, “How’d it go?  Did he touch your bubble butt?”  I love Alexis.  Anyways, Taylor would not be denied and went in for one more steal.  Corinne was beside herself.2017-01-15-39But it’s cool because the two talked it out.2017-01-15-38The conversation went basically like this:

Corinne: Are you okay?

Taylor: I’m good!

Corinne: Are you sure you’re good?  Because you don’t seem good.

Taylor: No I’m fine!  Are you good?

Corinne: Yes I’m great.  I’m just making sure you’re okay.

Taylor: Yes I’m okay.

Corinne: Good, I’m so happy you’re good.

Both of them thought they won that conversation, yet both neglected to realize they sounded like morons.  But whatever, Corinne did work as she got the group date rose.  The girls couldn’t believe it.

For the one-on-one, Nick took Danielle M (or “The poor man’s Danielle” as she’s known around my condo).2017-01-15 (41).pngAmerica fell in love with Danielle M as she told arguably the saddest story of all time.  Poor girl.  I hope she finds a good fella.  And I hope that fella isn’t Nick.

This last portion of this blog will be dedicated to Liz.  I don’t know if you knew this, but Liz and Nick met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.  The two had a few drinks and really connected and ended up having sex.  Again, not sure if you knew that.  That exact monologue was only recited every single time Liz was on camera.  But the Demise of Liz started early when the girls were talking about who kissed Nick last night.  Liz said “I didn’t kiss Nick last night.”2017-01-15-26Aww shit, no you didn’t, Liz!  On the second group date though, in Liz’s defense, Nick was acting like a fucking idiot.  He was clearly avoiding her at all costs and wouldn’t even look her in the eye.  So when they went to the breakup museum (that apparently is a thing) and had to all publicly break up with Nick, Liz took advantage of the situation by speaking from her heart or some shit.  Even when it was just the two of them, Liz was struggling to get eye contact from Nick.2017-01-15 (43).pngNow it’s worth mentioning that Liz apparently felt overwhelmed with this information she was holding so she decided to tell Christen so when Liz got up on stage and “broke up” with Nick by basically telling their actual story, nobody got it except Christen, who reacted as so:

At night, during Christen and Nick’s one-on-one time, Christen spilled the beans to Nick that Liz told her that they banged.  Nick obviously was concerned that word was getting around so he pulled Liz aside.  The two had a very lengthy conversation and the other girls started wondering what was taking them so long.2017-01-15 (50).pngChristen said, “I think Liz and Nick are having a long conversation about something important they need to talk about with their relationship.”  Astrid, who despite her dumb name, I am beginning to like a lot because she just lays it out there responded with, “Okay, well, that sounds oddly specific.”

I mean Chisten looks like one of those nice caring girls, and she probably is, so I understand why Liz thought she could tell Christen this secret.  However, from the moment Liz spilled the beans you knew Christen was the worst secret keeper of all time.  It’s like ABC pulled Liz aside and said, “Hey if you’re going to tell anyone about you and Nick, make sure you tell Christen because she keeps secrets like a dickhead.”

Anyways, like I said Liz and Nick had a long talk.  Now I wanted Nick to be wrong so bad.  I wanted him to keep Liz around and for this all to blow up in his face down the road.  I wanted something in the story to come out that made it sound like Nick was a dirtbag or something.  I was searching and analyzing every word both Nick and Liz said but goddamnit, Nick was right.  I mean when Nick said “hey you could have gotten my number” she responded with “well I knew you were busy with paradise and stuff.”  When she said that, I thought, “Alright!  We’re still alive!”  And then he said, “Yeah, well I was only in paradise for a month…”  and her response was, “Well I don’t like talking on the phone.”

That’s it!!!??? That’s the best you could come up with, Liz!???  Christ.  Nick sent her home because she wasn’t making sense, and as much as I hate to admit it, I agree with him.2017-01-15-51Sad to see Liz go.  She brought a very interesting dynamic to the game and she was hot.  Nick though knew the right thing to do was to tell the rest of the girls that he sent Liz home and he and her bumped uglies.  And he did it all with a smirk.2017-01-15-52Everyone was shocked and then we got the damn TBC screen.2017-01-15-53Because the whole season isn’t a continuation or anything…

Anyways, it was a HELL of an episode and tonight should be absolutely incredible.  It’ll probably be a reverse of last week.  Instead of first half Corinne-the slut, second half Liz-saga, it’ll be first half Liz-saga and second half-Corinne slut.

Now, it’s time for my episode MVP though.  I went back and forth with a few girls, but I think I have to give the MVP to Corinne.  2017-01-15 (7).pngI mean do I like Corinne?  Well, for the entertainment factor, absolutely.  But as a person?  For sure not.  But Corinne had one of those episodes that immediately vaults her to one of the greats.  She’s not at Chad or Clare or Olivia level yet, but I think she’s very close to Crazy Lace.  Remember, Lace was only around for like two episodes before she bowed out on her own power.  I don’t see Corinne doing that.  By the end of Corinne’s run, we could be talking about one of the greatest villains of all time and this episode was a huge step in that direction.

Alright let’s see who gets sent home tonight!  A lot of takers in the Survivor Pool so get those picks in before 7:30 EST.  You need to pick someone different for tonight’s episode!!

 

 

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@ABCDTheBachelor