Dear Diary,

It’s been awhile. I’m sorry, you’ve probably been very lonely. It’s like I’m playing crazy mind games with you. I want you to know that it’s not you, it’s me.

So I have a story for you, Diary. Something happened to me the other day… well not me, actually. I guess you could say what happened to ME was magical, a gift from God, if you will. What happened to the poor poor lady that was sitting next to me on the train the other day, however, is nothing less than what most would consider their worst nightmare.

I got on the train to go to work and it was not too crowded because I was one of the first stops. It was so empty that I had multiple seats to choose from. This was the moment where, unbeknownst to me, my Lord and Savior guided me to the window seat and not the seat on the end. One stop later, the innocent woman got on the train and sat down in the seat next to me. The worst mistake of her life.

New Yorkers Continue To Ride Subway Despite Terror Threat

As it always does, the train began to become more and more crowded. Eventually, well along on the trip to the city, a man stood next to the woman leaning against the door that connects the cars. He seemed like a nice man and for all I know, he is the nicest man on the planet, but on that day, he was the devil incarnate. The three of us sat/stood there, minding our own business as people mostly do on the train, and then… then it happened.

The man let out one of the wettest, most uncontrolled sneezes I have ever heard. It must have happened suddenly because he was not able to get his hand up and cover his mouth/nose. The fodder from the cannon holes in his head fired and the target, the innocent lady, took a direct hit. How uncontrolled vomiting, followed by the extremely justified murder of this mucus filled monster was not her immediate reaction is beyond me. Instead, the saintly woman, now covered in the monster’s insides, turned, looked up at the man, and said, “Are you kidding me?” and then went through an entire pocket sized tissue pack in a feudal attempt to clean her now forever violated body.


Diary, you want to know the worst part? After this tragedy occurred, the culprit didn’t move an inch. He just stood there like an idiot. I would have ran off the train and prayed that in this massive city, I would never see the woman or anyone from that train car ever again. All I can say is that I will now say a prayer of thanks every night that I did not sit in that seat and that that poor poor woman was there to shield me from the horrors of that man’s nasal shrapnel.

Alright Diary, talk to you soon and hopefully more often.



Your BFF,
Big Fudge