Could it be that the man that these thirty women put their lives on hold for could actually be the Bachelor for the wrong reasons?  At the end of last week’s episode, it certainly looked like that could be the case.  It became clear a few times that maybe, just maybe, Nick accepted the role of Bachelor to prove he’s not gay get his dick wet and stick it in some crazy.  We were left with a nice cliffhanger of one of the girls calling him out, but let’s take a look at how we got there.2017-01-22It all started with the Rose Ceremony and Nick telling the girls that he had sex with Liz.  Again with a smile.  The reaction was mixed.  Some girls wanted to talk, some girls were devastated, some didn’t care.  Corinne though, took this as an opportunity to slut it up.2017-01-22-2Her plan was to take off her jacket and have sex with Nick before the Rose Ceremony.  At least that what I assumed because why else would you wear a trench coat with nothing underneath and practice dropping it?  But apparently it was just because she wanted to make him eat whipped cream off her tits.2017-01-22-4There’s no way any areola was showing by the way, but Nick, being the gentleman he is, obliged.2017-01-22-5Then we got a what I was assuming was foreshadowing2017-01-22-6When this ended, Corinne got sad because Nick told her to slow down so instead of going to the Rose Ceremony, she went to bed.2017-01-22-8Honestly a power move.  It’s like eh I already got the rose so I have no reason to go to the ceremony.  Might as well catch some shut eye!  At the Rose Ceremony itself, nothing really noteworthy happened except Alexis continuing her streak of domination and got a rose.2017-01-22-10The big upset of the week was Nick again choosing Jamie instead of another hot girl.  THis casualty was Haley.  So just to put this in perspective, Nick sent this girl home:2017-01-22-7And instead kept this girl:

Unbelievable.  At this point I’m actually starting to root for her I think.

The next day the girls were in for a treat as THE BACKSTREET BOYS SHOWED UP OMFGGG2017-01-22-13It was kind of weird to see them.  They’re so old and if they’re on The Bachelor it means either they’re running out of money or they are starting a comeback tour (because they’re out of money).  I’m really hoping it’s the latter.  The girls though, reacted as you would think a bunch of 12 year old girls in 1997 would react.

Whitney is super pretty by the way.  But basically yeah they all freaked out.  The girls, including Corinne, got to go to dance with the BSB.  2017-01-22-14Nick, we get it, you took steroids, bro.  Anyways even though Jasmine is a professional dancer, she paled in comparison to Danielle L.2017-01-22-15No, but really she was good I swear.  Corinne though was so sad because she can’t dance.  2017-01-22-17Pretty Whitney was in there trying to help Corinne relax, but she definitely had the old “why the fuck am I doing this?” face on her.  During the real show though, Danielle L killed it.2017-01-22-19And won the chance to have the Backstreet Boys serenade her and Nick2017-01-22-20Yeah I screenshotted this with the thing still on it and can’t figure out how to crop it out.  Deal with it.  Back to Danielle L, who obviously got the group date rose, I really hope she doesn’t win.  She’s way too good looking and perfect for Nick.

The only other development from this group date was that Corinne came clean about having a nanny, and didn’t think it was weird.2017-01-22-21This is her very matter-of-factly telling the girls that she has a nanny who cleans her clothes and makes her cheese pasta.  I’m assuming cheese pasta is like kraft mac and cheese.  Corinne also says that she can never make cheese pasta as good as her nanny does.  The other very underrated thing that Corrine mentioned was that her nanny “makes” her cucumbers.  Think about that for a second.  She “makes” her cucumbers.  Not “she slices up cucumbers for me” or “she brings me sliced cucumbers.”  “She makes my cucumbers.”  I really hope that the nanny has just been fucking with Corinne for the past 24 years and tells her that she actually makes the cucumbers in the kitchen and Corinne believes that cucumbers are something that can be baked and are not a vegetable.  Wild stuff.

The next date was the one on one with fan favorite Vanessa.  They went to some zero gravity space thing which seemed like a good idea, but then Vanessa threw up…2017-01-22-22Not once…2017-01-22-23Not twice…2017-01-22-24

(Such a versatile clip) But really I think she threw up like three times.  What happened next though, was disgusting.  Absolutely repulsive in fact.  There should have been a parental warning that the next scene had graphic images or something because this was fucking horrifying:2017-01-22-25NICK KISSED HER SHE JUST THREW UP AND NICK KISSED HER.  WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE THINKING???  I’m not going to sit here and say I’m this spic and span guy who is a neat freak and I hate germs, but holy shit.  Even I have standards.  Kissing a girl who just puked like six times is well over the line of what I would do.  I don’t care how much I like the girl, you are brushing your teeth first before I kiss you if you just puked.  Figure it out, Nick.  Christ.

Vanessa got her rose and much like Danielle L is way too good for Nick, but here we are.  Next was the group date which was the obligatory athletic decathlon of the season.  Pretty neat as Carl Lewis, Alison Felix and Michelle Something showed up.  Carl Lewis is no joke.2017-01-22-26Again, we get it Nick.  You took steroids.  You have muscles now.  Okay.  Another thing we “got” during this date was that Astrid has BOMBS

Those puppies were just flopping around for the world to see.  Highlights from this (other than Astrid’s big old boobs) included Alexis winning the high jump2017-01-22-30Dominque throwing her arm out while throwing the javelin2017-01-22-31Then the big race at the end between Rachel, Astrid and her boobs and Alexis.  The had to finish the race, grab a big ring and then jump into a hot tub with Nick.  Rachel won the race, but knocked down the ring and stepped on the ring/Astrid’s hand 2017-01-22-32Gotta win at all costs.  Love the hustle by Rachel, but it wasn’t enough as Astrid picked up the remains of the ring and hopped in the hot tub.  True grit by Astrid.

But while Astrid won the battle, it was Rachel who won the war and walked away with the group date rose.  Dominique’s night however, did not go quite as well.2017-01-22-33I don’t really get what this was all about.  She was sad because Nick wasn’t paying enough attention to her or something.  She freaked out because she is mentally weak and since she is mentally weak, she was sent home.2017-01-22-35From my years of watching both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, you need two things to make it deep: Looks and mental strength.  Dominque had the looks, but did not have the mental strength.

In lieu of a cocktail party, Nick opted to have a pool party and things got a bit naughty.  2017-01-22-36The classy girls like Alexis (yes, I’m putting Alexis is the “classy girls” group), Vanessa, Danielle L, Danielle M, Brittany and Rachel kind of stayed by the wayside, while the other girls, like Corinne, took advantage of this bare skinned jamboree.2017-01-22-37Corinne especially as she mounted Nick in a bouncy house as all the girls watched.  You can’t see it here, but Nick squeezed her ass too.  Great work to whoever the camera guy was that caught that.  The other girls were not impressed.

2017-01-22-38
“Bitches”

2017-01-22-39It ended with fan favorite Vanessa coming over the top and asking Nick if he’s there to find a wife, or just to fuck around.  OH SHIT.  Good for her for calling him out.  Gotta grow up someday, Nick.

And that’s where it ended.  There’s a possibility of somewhat of a Black Monday tonight with the perhaps two Rose Ceremonies.  That would be #lit.

Time for me to give out the MVP award.  A lot of girls to choose from, but I decided to give out Co-MVPs this week to Danielle L and Astrid.   Danielle L for looking gorgeous and rockin dat body with the Backstreet Boys.  Astrid for, well, come on we all know why.  Also noteworthy was Raven questioning Corinne’s ability to wash a spoon.  That was hilarious.

That’ll do it for this one.  Next week very well could be the first week of Power Rankings so there’s that to look forward to.  There’s also Nick’s response to Vanessa to look forward to too.  It will undoubtedly be something stupid!

Get those survivor picks in and buckle up!

 

@WhatAKetchWCS

@ABCDTheBachelor