What we saw last Monday was an absolute BLOODBATH.  In all my years of watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette Franchise, I don’t think we’ve seen anything like this.  It was almost like Nick was throwing darts at a dartboard with the girl’s faces on it and sending whoever he hit home.  It was wild.  I mean there’s trimming the fat and then there’s torching a forest and this was torching a forest.

So where does this leave us?  With six girls and a questioning Nick.  We’ve only had what, five episodes?  Six?  And we are already down to six girls with probably four episodes left?  Harrison was right, we HAVEN’T seen anything like this yet.  I’ll get into the girls who were cut after the Power Rankings, but I just have to say that I’m really curious to see how this is going to play out now.

POWER RANKINGS OF WHO WILL WIN:

  1. Rachel (1) – Well with last week’s number one taking a shocking exit, Rachel emerges as the top contender for the prize that is Nick.  Danielle L losing busted everyone’s brackets.  It’s like in March when everyone has Duke going to at least the Elite 8, but they don’t even make it out of the first weekend.  Danielle L being gone really opens up the game, but I think Rachel is ready to take that next step.  Nick is a like a child with autism  He needs structure and Rachel laid it out on the lines this week when she said “I am going to tell you when you are being a dumbass” (may have paraphrased).  Rachel will give Nick the structure he needs.

  2. Corinne (7) – Chances are she gets sent home this week after she tries to bang Nick with her platinum vagine, BUT I am starting to be a believer here.  The “Corinne” of the season is usually gone by now.  The final six is usually for the contenders that the Bachelor is actually serious about.  Corinne is there, maybe by default, but she is there.  Nick is such a fucking weirdo, I could absolutely see him picking Corinne in the end.

  3. Kristina (8) – Last week I wrote that I thought she was on her way out.  Guess I was a bit wrong, but I actually think Nick took Kristina on that one-on-one with the intention to send her home.  Then when she told Nick that HEAVY story of her childhood, he couldn’t let her go.  We’re overdue for a one-on-one-gone-awry.

  4. Danielle M (4) – The best way I can put this is that she’s a top 15 team in the nation that should be winning games by 15-20 points, but she’s only winning by 5-8 points.  She’s made it this far, but if she really wants it, I have to see more.

  5. Raven (3) – Well, considering Danielle L said she was “starting to love” Nick and he freaked out and sent her home, Raven telling Nick that she already loves him doesn’t really appear to look like it’s going to work out.  After he sent Danielle L home, Nick also said “this is the second time someone has told me they loved me, and I don’t feel that way.”  Unless I’m missing something, Raven was the other one that said she loved him.

  6. Vanessa (5) – I think she walks.

POWER RANKINGS OF WHO WILL BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE

  1. Danielle M (1)
  2. Rachel (3)
  3. Kristina (7)
  4. Danielle L (2)
  5. Raven (4)
  6. Vanessa (5)

Alright now the highlights of this action packed episode.

Since there was so much action we almost forget the return of Stank Face2017-02-12Nick was stoked that she stopped by:2017-02-12-1She showed up, not to try and convince Nick to keep her, but to just warn Nick of Corinne being a liar.  Bold strategy, let’s see if it paid off.2017-02-12-3Nope.

The Rose Ceremony was the first scene of casualties…

Yep, the clock struck midnight on a few Cinderella Stories this episode.  Josephine, the tall, thin, weird blonde went home.  Fan favorite Alexis, the Dolphin/Shark Girl’s improbable run finally came to an end.  And Jami, the bull ringed girl also was sent away.  Josephine is whatever, but let’s pay homage to one of the greats real quick.  Of course, I’m talking about Alexis the Shark/Dolphin Girl.

You will be missed.  And for Jami, well, she picked an interesting look for this Rose Ceremony.

I have to give credit to Chief and Trent from Barstool.  They mentioned Jami looked like Ursula and then I looked it up and sure enough, they were right.

So that’s where the first three got axed.  Now onto the dates in St. Thomas!!! WOO!  Kristina got the first date which was a one-on-one.2017-02-12-6Nothing too noteworthy during the day, but then at dinner, Kristina dropped a fucking bomb on Nick and told him the story about her childhood in Russia where he mom kicked her out of the house at the age of five.  Apparently, her mom left the house early one day and told Kristina not to eat anything because she would bring home food.  Now it sounds like her mom may have dabbled in the profession of prostitution because she was gone all day.  When she came home, she asked the five year old Kristina if she had eaten anything.  Five year old Kristina said yes, she had eaten lipstick because she was hungry.  Her mom freaked out and kicked her out.  Kristina went to an orphanage and when she was twelve she was told she could either try to get adopted or in four years she’d have to leave the orphanage (at age 16) and probably go into prostitution.  She chose the adoption route.  The reason I’m telling you this is because it is a pretty incredible story and I wanted to show off my summarizing skills.  2017-02-12-9And then there was Nick, who was talking to Kristina like he was Barbara Walters on 20/20.2017-02-12-11Don’t you just want to knock that face out cold?  Underrated moment of this part was when Nick asked Kristina if she ever talks to her mom and she said “No, she’s dead” in the most matter-of-fact, cold Russian way possible.

As I said before, I think Nick was looking to send Kristina home, but could not send her home after that story.  Meanwhile at the house, Corinne was getting waited on by a slave nanny.2017-02-12-8Don’t care what anybody says, that is Mami straight out of Gone with the Wind.  You could cut the racial undertones with a knife.

During Kristina’s date, they also found out about the next date, which would be a group date that included Vanessa, Corinne, Rachel, Raven, Jasmine and Danielle M.  Wait that’s it?  Does that mean the last date is a two-on-one?  WITH DANIELLE L???2017-02-12-12Shocked.  I was shocked.  Danielle L was shocked and even the rest of the girls were shocked.2017-02-12-13They were just as confused.  The rest of the girls would never admit it, but this shook them.  They knew Danielle L was a front runner.  They probably read my blogs where I had her ranked first in the Power Rankings.  They know she’s intimidatingly good looking.  They knew something was weird was going on.  But they had to put that aside and go on this group date which was supposed to be just a fun day on the beach with drinks and games.2017-02-12-14They started with some cornhole (innuendo much)2017-02-12-15Nick did some weirdass dinosaur walk that apparently the girls knew about from them yelling “oh here comes the dinosaur walk”2017-02-12-16

2017-02-12-17Then Nick wanted them to play a nice game of Volleyball and that’s where shit hit the fan.2017-02-12-20First off, it’s worth saying, that wasn’t Raven’s first time in the sand.  That girl can ball.  But other than Raven, the girls one by one got super drunk and frustrated and didn’t want to play anymore.  Corinne just wanted to drink.2017-02-12-19Jasmine wanted to fight.2017-02-12-21Rachel didn’t want to compete for Nick’s attention on a show that is based on competing for attention.2017-02-12-27Vanessa and Danielle M were both just drunk and hot and probably hadn’t eaten all day and just wanted to be left alone.

But Raven wanted to keep playing because #ballislyfe2017-02-12-26Nick didn’t know how this happened.2017-02-12-18I mean who would’ve thought giving six over emotional girls endless amounts of alcohol on the hot beach would end in everyone being pissed at everyone?  Anyways, once everyone was good and hungover, they had a cocktail party thing where the girls basically took the opportunity to tell Nick that they hated the date and wanted to know what he was thinking, including Rachel who Nick told to let him know if they are unhappy and she said “don’t worry I will.”2017-02-12-28And then we entered the saga of Jasmine.  Jasmine was a bit of a ticking time bomb all season long in my opinion.  Going into the date, she was pretty frustrated because she didn’t understand why Nick didn’t give her a one-on-one or why he wasn’t paying sufficient attention to her.  At night she started off by telling the girls that she didn’t get why Nick didn’t pay attention to her.  Like she knows he notices her when he walks into a room.  How could he not notice her?

And instead of saying “It’s okay Jasmine I think we’re all a bit frustrated today” decided to douse her with gasoline and send her into a flaming house.  2017-02-12-31When she finally got her one-on-one time, she started off okay actually.  She was saying she felt under appreciated and Nick was spewing his “how do you think our conversations are” bullshit.  It looked like maybe these two crazy kids would work it out.  And then she said she wanted to choke Nick (which granted we all do), and the music changed.

And theeeeeeennnnn she actually choked him.  Surprisingly, Nick was not into the choking.2017-02-12-35I’m actually not being sarcastic when I say “surprisingly” either.  Nick’s a weirdo I figured he’d be into stuff that’s way more aggressive than choking.  Anyways, clearly wasn’t working and Jasmine became the fourth fatality of the episode.  2017-02-12-36Finally came the mysterious two-on-one with arguably the two best looking girls there.  Whitney and Danielle L.

Whitney hadn’t gotten a lot of air time this season.  It may be because she was actually quiet, or it could be because she was just edited out.  Regardless, I’m not going to hold that against her.  However, if she thought she had any chance in this two-on-one she would be sorely mistaken.  2017-02-12-39They talked and whatever it seemed fine, but then Nick talked to Danielle L2017-02-12-40Who honestly just wanted to know why she was on the date to begin with.  Nick stopped in the middle of the conversation to go send Whitney home.2017-02-12-41Essentially, Nick told Whitney that he thought she was super hot but couldn’t give her the rose.  I mean Whitney is really really good looking.2017-02-12-42But that’s why you don’t bring the two hottest girls who don’t hate each other on a 2 on 1 you fucking moron.  But anyways, for the second week in a row in a tradition unlike any other, the loser of the 2 on 1 was left in the wilderness.

2017-02-12-43At least she had a bed.

At dinner, things seemed to start off alright.  Nick was being weird, but at least seemed to want to have just a nice, relaxing, eventless night.  The two talked and Nick then channeled his inner interviewer again and asked Danielle to describe her ideal relationship in two words.  She said “Love and Trust.”  Two very good answers. 2017-02-12-45Clearly confused, she asked Nick what his words would be.  He said “adventurous and raw.”  Raw.  What the hell, man.  Why do you have to be so weird?2017-02-12-46Still though, things seemed alright.  Then Danielle L said she felt like she was starting to fall in love with Nick.  And Nick just stared.  At the ground.2017-02-12-47nick-3

Then he shot her his best “I’m a serial killer” look.2017-02-12-48He held that pose for a few minutes and then picked up the rose…2017-02-12-51AND SENT DANIELLE L HOME.

How? How? How? How? How? How? How? Why? I will now make it my life’s mission to find Nick and kick his ass for hurting Danielle L like that.  But really, even if you didn’t love her, she got absolutely HOSED by Nick.  By all accounts, Nick gave her every indication that he was into her and she was going to be around for a while.  She got a group date rose not that long ago, they had a great one on one, even that night things seemed to be going great.  And then he just goes and drops her on her ass and gives her NO REASON other than “I just can’t give you this rose.”  Seriously.  That’s all he said.  “I just can’t give you this rose.”  Get bent, Nick.

Honestly watching Nick this past episode was like watching Andy Reid try to manage the clock at the end of a close game.

It brought back memories of Grady Little in the ’03 ALCS.

Like WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? God damnit I’m getting so pissed about this again.  But whatever, Danielle L doesn’t know it now, but Nick did her a huge favor sending her home so that she doesn’t have to endure a life of whining and misery with Nick.  But for now, I need to say a proper goodbye to Danielle L:

dlo

Seriously though, how do you send THAT home?

Nick was so distraught that he went back to the house to tell the girls that he was so distraught and is now realizing this might not be for him by doing his best Knowshon Moreno impression

moreno

And that’s where it ended.  Six girls left.  Even less still alive in the survivor pool.  Shocking episode.  Let’s see what Corinne’s platinum vagiene have in store for us tonight!

 

@ABCDTheBachelor

@WhatAKetchWCS