THANK THE GOOD LORD! The word has been confirmed that the BI-RACIAL ANGEL himself is going to have a child. Well that wouldn’t quite make sense. His wife Hannah will be bearing a child. Their first, so a congratulations certainly is in order.

 

I never would have thought it – JETES SETTLING DOWN?!? There wasn’t even a thought in my mind surrounding this idea with the amount of “alleged” ass he has crushed over the FANTASTIC span he had with my New York Yankees. And now he is blessing this earth with a child?? Basically a child for New York itself!!

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My first question when given said information was, “Is it going to be a boy?” Unfortunately, I was let down. It’s going to be a girl. I know, I know. Very upsetting news. What could’ve been will loom over us all. But then after a few seconds of being upset (arguably a tad more upset than one should be) a thought came to me.

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Who the hell will be perfect enough to be Derek Jeter’s unborn daughter’s suitor? Probably a little premature to start discussing, but it’s essential! Will he be white, will he be black? SO MANY UNANSWERABLE questions. First of all, we already know this girl is going to be a knock out. 10 out of 10. Jeter’s flawless skin? That perfect tan/light skin color? Hannah Jeter being a SMOKE bomb model? 10 out of 10 may not be enough. I’ll settle at a 12.

I assume all celeb and athlete couples have taken note of this and begun to hump like crazy, just hoping for a boy specifically so they could mate him with this unborn angel… Just saying, it’d be crazy if they weren’t!!

Regardless, oh Captain, my Captain!! Congratulations on the kid! She will do great things just like you did sir. Just don’t let her play softball, it’d be a little unfair dude.

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#Re2pect,
Oh Diggity