Dear ESPN,

Please enlighten me as to why the fuck you are forcing highlight videos down our throats as soon as we open your app? Did I ask for these videos? Do I want to see Russell Westbrook stuffing one home against our beloved Knicks when I already saw this happen? Do I really care about what happened in the Butler vs. Creighton game last night? Am I interested in seeing LeBron grabbing at Karl Anthony Towns while he’s twerking into him down on the block? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!


Now instead of being silently open while I’m in class, your app has disrupted the low profile I have maintained all year. Now the teacher and fellow students know I’m not listening to a word they are saying and that I’m actually just researching sports. Instead of the use of minimal data, you have taken my phone bill and absolutely Gronk spiked the shit out of it.

This all plays into a topic my friends and I have been spit-balling for a while now. We have been trying to find a sports app that has in-time score updates, breaking news, and game analysis. Is that too much too ask for? In our quest to find this app I’ve taken a liking to 12UP. They do a decent job of NOT forcing highlight reels down my throat and are pretty consistent with all the other categories I’ve listed. The only problem I foresee with 12UP is the fact that ESPN has way more of an outreach and quicker response times. This really isn’t a problem with me as long as you don’t make me watch a video I did not click on.

ESPN, all you had to do was remain the same. I would’ve kept my mouth shut and put up with the fact you moved Dick Vitale to commentate on the NBA instead of college basketball… But now you lost my business.

internet horse why made dick

Absolutely SENSATIONAL job guys.



Oh Diggity