Hometowns are always great and they always seem to air the same time as the Oscar’s so I like to wrap the two in one. It’s great to rate and rank everyone’s homes, dates, attractiveness of parents and siblings and then eventually come out with the Hometown Winner. So with that said, I present you The Hometown Awards!
Best House: The nominees are:Raven with “Southern Style Ranch”
Rachel with “Dallas Ivy Castle”
Corinne with “Miami High Rise Livin'”
Vanessa’s Mom with “Stone Split Entry”
Vanessa’s Dad with “Montreal Castle”
And the Hometown goes to….
Vanessa’s Dad and Montreal Castle! I’m a simple man. This nice two story looks like a great place to live. Rachel’s house was nice, but the curb appeal is garbage. Looks just like a big house stuck in the middle of a city. And the other three? Well, I’m not a split entry guy, Raven’s house is too normal and apartment living? No thanks.
Alright the next category is Hottest Parents. The nominees. Raven’s Parents.
Pretty underwhelming season as far as hot parents go. I mean in reality, the dads are all a wash – portly, balding guys. I could see Rachel’s dad being like Charles Miner from The Office, but since he was absent from the episode, his looks cannot be graded. It comes down to the moms. Raven’s mom looks like a sweet lady, sure. As does Rachel’s mom, but this is going to come down to Corinne’s mom and Vanessa’s mom. This is really tough. Neither is that great. It’s like if Butler and Wichita State were to meet in the National Championship. Like yeah it’s a great Cinderella story, but come on we want to see Kansas and UCLA or something. Corinne’s mom looks a bit, shall we say worn? Vanessa’s mom at least looks kind, so I’ll give the Hometown to Vanessa’s Mom
The next Hometown award is Hottest Siblings. And the nominees…Rachel’s siblings (minus the white guy)
Raven’s brother (I guess I didn’t get a screen shot of him so just deal with it)
Vanessa’s sister and brother.
*Corinne’s sister looked borderline age-wise so we are going to go ahead and leave that one alone.
It’s not Raven’s brother. Seemed like a great guy, but not the hottest. Last Monday when I watched I thought Vanessa’s sister was pretty hot, but watching the tape again maybe I was wrong. I mean she’s not ugly, but not what I remembered. Her brother though is one weird looking little fella. I know he’s not, but I pictured him to be about 4 feet tall. I mean I think Vanessa’s sister was the hottest sibling pound for pound, but this Canadian leprechaun of a brother she has really hinders the average score. So I guess in a shocker, the hometown for hottest siblings goes to Rachel’s siblings. Again though, another week year in attractiveness.
Alright the next award is for Best Simba/Rafiki Impression:
Not sure if this is an Italian thing, but Vanessa’s brother-in-law and nephew absolutely killed this impression.
For our next award we will be awarding the Biggest Creep. The nominees: Rachel’s brother-in-law.Nick.
Well the brother-in-law definitely had some Will Ferrell playing the creepy guy Dave from those SNL skits in himBut come on, Nick was born to win Biggest Creep. Also the brother-in-law, in my opinion, did not want Rachel to marry Nick. He seemed like he liked being the only white guy in the family.
The next Hometown is Dumbest Fucking Hat. The nominee and unanimous winner isNick of course!
The next Hometown award is Best Cameo. The nominees areAndi (so good to have her back in my life <3) Champagne guyRaquel the Nanny
I don’t know about you, but I was so disappointed in what Raquel really was. I was expecting like a sassy, wise cracking Latina. But Raquel was boring. Absolute snoozfest with her. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that disappointed in a character. Maybe the cameras got her nervous, I don’t know. I needed to see more. Because of that, I give this award to Andi, who was absolutely hired by ABC to go “talk some sense” into Nick. Her saying “hello Nick” just screamed “I’m just here so I get paid.”
Finally, the big one, the Hometown for Best Date. The nominees are:
Raven with “Water Tower Lovin and Swamp Make Out”Rachel with “Church.”
Corinne with “Shopping With Bae”Vanessa with “Let’s Go to Work!”
Alright first off, AWFUL dates this year. Last year I remember Caila took Ben H to make toys and drink wine and then Lauren B took Ben to food trucks and a goddamn whiskey library. THOSE were good dates. This year though? Absolutely pathetic job by the ladies. Not sure if ABC was trying to get them to push them to take Nick for “a day in the life,” but these dates were the worst.
I’ll give Raven credit for at least doing fun things. I’m not a four wheeling type of guy, but whatever she didn’t take Nick to work or church. Making out in the undoubtedly parasite filled swamp knocks her date down a few pegs though.
Rachel took Nick to church. I mean, I go to church. I like church. Jesus is my homeboy, but come on. It was hilariously entertaining watch Nick try to feel comfortable in the church, but as far as the date itself? Be better, Rachel.
No guy likes going shopping with a girl, or in general for that matter so that’s a tough one to sell for Corinne.
Vanessa took Nick to her work. Yes I’m sure it was great and touching and all that stuff, but isn’t Montreal supposed to be an awesome city? Why the hell wouldn’t you take Nick around to see the sights? Weak.
The winner for Best Date is definitely Corinne. Yes, shopping sucks, but if anyone wants to spend $3500 on me AND bring me drinks, I won’t stop them.
Tonight I believe is the fantasy suite. I’m hoping we don’t have a goddamn TBC. I’m not against them, but we’ve had too many this season. One last thing; if Nick has sex in the fantasy suite tonight, that son of a bitch better love the girls. Or else, we riot. (fast forward to about 1:37)
People don’t forget, bro.