With just 5 short weeks until Water Cooler Sports’ first sponsored event, I wanted to fast forward to that very morning… We’ll be waking up knowing “Today is the day. Today is BeerFest.” While this is arguably the greatest feeling in the world, it will feel even better if you are even slightly prepared to win the damn thing.

Now, if your Friday night “training” went well, you should be struggling to do anything but lay in bed and flip through all your social media’s 69,000 times over, so here’s some light reading to get you through this tough time…

THE OFFICIAL BEERFEST RULES!!!

ANCHORMAN. A quarters game, best of 3. Each team will have a small teacup & a quarter with one main pitcher filled with roughly 4 beers (the refs decide at their discretion). Each team lines up on opposite sides of table. The game starts and each teammate has to bounce the quarter into the teacups until they miss, once you miss you pass the teacup and quarter to the teammate next to you. Once the total count of made shots for your team is 21 (in the teacup) you have to try and bounce the quarter into the pitcher (again, if you miss – on to the next player to shoot). First team to 21 plus a final bounce into the pitcher wins. Then the losing team has to chug as much beer as they can. The anchorman is then chosen by the winning team. The purpose of the “anchorman” is that they have to finish the pitcher. The catch is, once a player puts the pitcher to their lips, they can’t take it off or they have to pass it. So 3 teammates go and no matter what is left of the 3-beer pitcher, the anchorman has to finish it. Also worth noting, each team should start with only ONE quarter. If the quarter is lost during the game, the refs will have plenty to give out should you lose it and not be able to find it.

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FLIP CUP – Best of 5. If you don’t know flip cup at this point, get the flip out of here. The only thing that really matter is that all the cups are filled up roughly the same (maybe a third of a beer, again 100% ref’s discretion here).

TURBO QUARTERS – 3/4’s full solo cup in front of each team mate (the referee will regulate this). Teams line up on opposite sides of table. Each team has one quarter. One person starts and you simply have to bounce the quarter into your cup, chug the beer and pass the quarter to the next teammate first team to finish wins.

CIVIL WAR – This game will be played on a very large table. Teams line up on opposite sides of the table (four people on each side). This will be one and done. There will be a total of eight sets of 3-cup beer pong racks in front of each player, so 4 on each side. Four balls will be in play and any ball is fair game. Players start shooting and first team to knock out all of the other teams cups win. Once the rack in front of you is gone, you cannot shoot anymore. When eliminated however, you can help recovering pong balls and tossing them back to your still alive teammates. Oh, and super annoying rule that had to be made – if you’re eliminated, you can only stay on your half of the table to recover balls. You can’t stand behind the opposing team and heckle them. If you are eliminated and effect a shot, the ref can have discretion to remove a ball. This game gets hectic as shit and the commissioner too will stop play randomly to get things under control. This really is a fucking war.

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BEER PONG – Best of 3 Beer Pong. 6 cups, no blowing or fingering. One re-rack. Behind the back if the ball rolls back ON the table, if the ball hits the ground, it’s the other team’s shot. No “islands”. Bouncing IS allowed for a 2 cup (the one you hit plus 1 more) reward. Refs make any controversial calls and if they are unsure they can go to the commissioner for a final ruling #Goodell.

RANDOM RELAY – Starts with one player playing “Turbo Quarters” (bounce a quarter into a 3/4 full cup, when successful, chug), 2nd players JUST chugs a third beer then plays “Flip Cup”, 3rd player bounces a pong ball into a third full cup, chug, and the last is a straight chug of a full beer. Spilling by players while chugging will be penalized at the ref’s discretion.

BEERIO KART – New game this year, exciting stuff. Each team selects two of their players to hop on the sticks. Nintendo 64 will power this event (this is the closest to eSports I ever want to get). This will start with a coin toss. The winner of the coin toss can select EITHER the track, or defer that and get the first choice of driver. If you elect to choose the track, the other team will get 1st pick of driver, your team gets second, they get 3rd, you get 4th. If you elect to defer, they pick the track, you pick 1st driver, they pick 2nd, you pick 3rd, they pick 4th. Each member will have a full beer in front of them before the race starts. That beer NEEDS to be finished before the end of the race. HOWEVER, you can’t drink and drive (meaning you can’t be pressing the gas pedal while drinking or you are DQ’ed – BeerFest is VERY against Drinking & Driving here… sending a message to our youth #winkyface). If you finish the race with any beer left in your cup, you are DQ’d. Any other rules I’m not thinking of will be determined by the commissioner. If Lourde Taylor is in the game, we will defer to DJ RD, and if both DJ RD and Taylor are in the race, then we’ll defer to our CTO and former 3-time champion Hass-dawg. First team that has a player to finish first wins. Race to be set at 100cc (for any N64 nerds out there who know what that even is). And if the system freezes (as is VERY possible with 25+ year old systems) we very simply replay the game. I don’t care who’s been DQ’ed. I don’t care. Replaying the game cures all.

BASEBALL – 3 innings. Similar style to beer pong however four cups are lined up in a straight line on both sides of the table. Each team has to have a specific lineup. The object is to score points as if you were actually playing baseball. The closest cup is a single, second cup is a double, third is a triple and fourth is a home-run. Ref will keep track of runs and players on base. An out occurs if the shooter hits a cup and the defending team catches the ball that bounced off the cup, if it hits the floor or table it is a strike. A double play occurs if the ball bounces off a cup and one defender taps it up to another player who then catches it (assuming a runner was on base and the out will always go to the lead runner). There is also a steal cup that will be explained on the day – but basically if you are on base you can have your lead runner steal based on a head-to-head flip cup which only the offense can initiate and the defense has to look out for.

DAAS BOOT – Each team member has a boot filled with 3 beers. You start with one person, when they are done, the next goes, and so on, until someone wins. Pretty simple. Spilling results in a penalty (2 minutes for excessive spilling – determined be the commish/refs, so don’t spill). Throwing up is a 2 minute penalty (if it happens during the event or within 5 minutes of the conclusion of Daas Boot) and the commissioner will regulate any other penalties… If you don’t like that, suck it.

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Okay, well breast of luck training these last few weeks. I love you all.

 

 

Sincerely,
Commissioner Taylor