Thank God! Tis the season where we get to discuss 22 year old’s hand sizes and I for one am ECSTATIC. There truly is no better predictor of success in the NFL, actually just life in general, than a good old fashioned “how big is your hand test“.


We all can remember when the Buffalo Bills in the 2013 draft “reached” – selecting EJ Manuel when they heard how big his hands were (10 3/8 inches if you were wondering)…  Bills Mafia probably all thought to themselves: “Dang this Timmy Horton’s is good. Before we got outside and shovel some more, let’s talk more about how this is OUR YEAR since EJ Manuel’s hands will be able to grip a football no matter how cold and shitty it is out!! WOOO, CIRCLE THE WAGONS!!!

And clearly that has been a HUGE success for them:


And since we know this is a proven indicator of success in the NFL, I want to list out some of the QB’s from Thursday’s hand measuring contest NFL Combine (or whatever site I could find reporting this on the internet) so we know what the future of our NFL looks like:

DeShone Kizer, Notre Dame 9 7/8″ – Biggest hands in the draft. No surprise. He was electrifying at Notre Dame and this doesn’t shock me at all. He will make whatever team he goes to better, probably a playoff team and that is just my unbiased opinion.

DeShaun Watson, Clemson 9 3/4″ – We already know he’s a stud and those are some bear paws for hands. I imagine his hands also are the reason that people are starting to put the ACC as the best football conference instead of the SEC (@Miller…).

Nathan Peterman, Pittsburgh 9 7/8″ – How do I put this delicately…? He measured the biggest hands of white QB’s… Sooooooooooo.

Cooper Rush, Central Michigan 9 1/4″ – Smallest hands measured. That’s gotta suck. He’s basically the Uncle Jack of NFL draft prospects. But this is notable: Jared Goff last year had hands smaller than 9″. So Cooper, no need to sweat it because Goff already looks like a GREAT quarterback in his young NFL career #winkyface.

Davis Webb, California 9 1/8″ – Hailing from the PAC12, he is Ketch’s #1 quarterback prospect (I’m sure) as he is a coach’s son and THAT is worth noting. But his hand size worries me… Granted this was from a random website and not the NFL combine, but still. Remember when you were little and you tried to throw an NFL sized football and you were like, “Fuck, I probably looked like an idiot“? Well, that is Webb’s everyday with those baby hands of his.

Mitch Trubinsky, UNC ??? – This also worries me. I can’t find results of his hands. WHAT IS HE HIDING?! Maybe this is why the Browns will draft him and later find that he has 7″ hands and he can’t throw for shit. A question mark is worse than knowing if he’s got small hands because YOU JUST DON’T KNOW… All I’m saying is if you see him walking around in Hulk Hands to hide his true hand size, run for the hills.

Alright, so there you have it guys. Basically their performance on the field can be tossed to the wayside. Hand size trumps all (no pun intended), and Kizer or Peterman are your clear choices if you need a QB, pretty simple.



Sent from My 8 1/4″ Hands,