Listen, I get it. Flying is the easiest, quickest, most efficient way of travel. Those who have driven those 18+ hour car rides know what I mean. You learn to appreciate the air. No lights, no traffic, no problems! That being said I’d like to take a moment to discuss one of the few hardships of air travel. That is the art of the crying baby.
New parents love testing the waters with the whole “bringing infants on an airplane” thing. Infants tend to fly for free so that’s pretty great. I feel as if there should be some type of warning for all other passengers if it’s a child’s first flight and a way of checking the age of the youngest person on board. I say this because a whaling baby might be the most GOD AWFUL part of a plane ride. Yes, you should carry headphones in every airport you go too. You honestly never know what can happen. But on the off chance you forget, many airlines stopped carrying those cheap ones and they only ones they have they sell for a crazy price. So then what happens when you walk onto the plane and come face-to-face with an infant? Staring at each other knowing what is about to go down. I’ll explain how this tends to go.
There are some children that just crush the flying game. They know what’s good. Keep their mouths strapped on that pacifier and possibly take a little nap. But then there are two types of children you could also encounter: the ones with ear problems and the ones that are just out for blood. Ear problems on planes suck for everyone. Nothing like a good ole’ eardrum clogging the fuck up with some uneven distribution of air. But when this takes place in a child’s body, it’s scientifically proven to be 3 million times worse. When you notice a child, screaming at the top of its lungs, with a beat red face, and maybe a vein coming out of it’s little neck, it’s almost 100% safe to say that their ears are fucked. This can lead to: nonstop crying, parents that absolutely look as if they need a xanax, and passengers that want to blow their brains out. Honestly, this is a tough one for young parents but I think their should be a requirement of seeing a doctor before these kids go airborne.
The second type of crying child you may encounter is the one out for blood. This little fucker is the one that is not crying right away. Not even a peep during lift off. Maybe a hint of a smile as they caress whatever toy they are distracted by. Right about 30 mins into the trip when that “fasten seatbelt” turns off they look at you and head straight for the jugular. This crying is soooooo PAINFUL because you are enjoying the first few minutes of your flight and then it just ruins everything. This child has been on a plane more then once. You know by overhearing parental conversations as you took your seat. This mutant just decides that on this day you will have a miserable flight…
Crying children on airplanes are awful. I hope none of you have to endure the struggle of getting through a long flight with one and without a pair of headphones. If you have, you know your life was shortened by at least 2 years and you need a 3 finger scotch when you get off the satanic aircraft.
Time for Some Scotch,