That was all it took for Andrew Bogut to fracture his tibia in his Cavaliers debut. 58 seconds and $400,000 later Andrew Bogut’s season is over. I can’t help but laugh knowing LeBum James now has one excuse as to why they won’t win it this year. Cue the choir of sad music drenched in his frown at that post-Finals press conference.
Honestly, Andrew Bogut just made out like a BANDIT. Guy is going to be ABSOLUTELY chillin on his couch for the rest of the year, watching hoops, eating some bomb ass food and getting fat as shit. $400,000 for 58 seconds? That’s $6,896.55 per second. WOW.
As a fun little activity I’m going to list a number of ridiculous tasks that I could do in 58 seconds that apparently should be worth a lot more if Bogut got paid FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for his 58 seconds of 2-3 trips up and down a court.
Diggity’s 12 Legs of Bogut’s List:
- Finish a Par 3 hole on any golf course. Sounds outrageous but if I’m hustling, put up a fire tee shot, and putt that ball back in it’s place there’s no reason I couldn’t do it in under 58.
- Tap a keg, let the foam out and finish at least 3 cold ones: Haven’t timed myself doing this exact task, so I lowballed it with 3. Always gotta take into account some kegs are a little extra foamy (pending method of transportation). Beer drinking is the least time consuming part of the process.
- Eat an entire Apple Pie: Strictly an ALL-AMERICAN task so it comes natural. To challenge myself I may throw a pint of Ice-cream on top (obviously vanilla).
- Enter a bank and open a checking account: You walk into any bank with a smile and no line – this task is easy. They love taking your money and will do almost everything in their power to get your business.
- Open a credit card to receive a discount at any shopping giant: Part two of my “money” tasks. This scenario needs to take place right when you get to the front of the line, swing your bag full of shit on the counter, and mention the word credit card. Easily fill out paperwork in 20 seconds. I’m a work horse with a pen. Spend the next 20 seconds talking about how awesome this will be and ask when you will receive the card in the mail.
- Pack a cooler: A task that is sometimes can be tough for people that lack braincells and can’t figure out whether they should stand bottles up or lay them down. Little hint if you’re one of those people, you always stand them up so you can drop ice bombs easy and keep those bad boys cold.
- Heat a Progresso soup or Ramen on the stove (if you live in a college house or enjoy life’s simplest pleasures you can directly relate to this one). For Ramen the water needs to be at a boil already. Progresso is my number one “go to” soup. It’s tasty, filling, and has a variety of flavors. Some may say you need more time for this, I would respond get a better stove.
- Swim 100 yards: Ok, ok, I may not be in the shape I need to be in right this moment to complete this task but give me a water bottle with about a quarter inch of pre-workout in the bottom and this is light-work.
- Peel 6 oranges, cut a pineapple, and slice 10 limes into perfect Corona condition: Timed and FDA approved. The pineapple is the hardest part of this challenge, strictly because I’m an idiot and get the spiky things stuck in my arm on a day to day basis. Who the fuck made them sharp like that?
- Torch the crust on a Creme Brulé and serve it. Imperative task at any I-Talian restaurant. Talk to my man Rudy at Tiberios in Rockaway Beach. He will teach you this delicate art and tell you I can demolish this task in 52.6 seconds.
- Run the bases on an MLB field: Haters gon Hate. Ask Jeets how important this task is. Brb winning a world series before Bogut cries for help.
- Take the elevator to its stopping point at the top of the Empire State Building: The reason I say highest point is because it only ascends to the 80th floor. You gotta walk the next 6.
So there they are. Twelve outlandish tasks that should be worth some cash if Andrew Bogut got paid $400,000 to jog up the floor at Quicken Loans Arena twice and then break his tibia.
Kudos to you Mr. Bogut. I’m jealous as shit over the job you have and the RIDICULOUS pay day you just received.
Earning $6,900 Per Second… Nice,