I didn’t quite realize just how poorly the Nets were doing this year until my train ride in today… 11 wins. In 63 games, they have 11 wins.

ELEVEN.

I get that they’ve mortgaged their future beyond repair, but that is truly, truly SAD.

sad donald trump chris christie stunned hello darkness my old friend

So I wanted to do the Nets a favor. Yesterday, I gave my reason for hope as a Knicks fan… And while I don’t want to give false hope to Nets fans, I do have some suggestions:

  1. You are 3rd WORST in average attendance, which is mind blowing given you have Jeremy Lin in New York City, and Asians love that guy… But I’m going to fix this. Sign Jimmer. Will he win you games? No. But you shouldn’t be aiming for that anyway. You need to tank for a few years AT LEAST and Jimmer can help you there. PLUS there are plenty of idiots (like myself) out there who will go to games just to see Jimmer play. Honestly, right now would be a great time to do this. Cash in on NCAA March Madness when people fell in love with Jimmer by signing him yourself. Boom. Attendance boosted.
  2. Get a new head coach. Kenny Atkinson is… WHATEVER. You play in New York City. You’re competing with the most media dominant team ever. You want to have anyone care about you? You need more headlines. I’m thinking you offer Bobby Knight a job. He may not want it, but I think there’s a list of fiery, off-the-handle coaches out there that could add a dimension to the Nets that you need.

    trump rally

  3. Beyond Jeremy Lin, this team sucks. In the offseason, trade Lopez for whatever draft picks you can get that this point. My suggestion is to maybe develop yourself into the “Bad Boys” of the NBA. Get bruisers down low known for technical’s and getting in fights. I suggest making Brooklyn a feared place to go to. That could sell tickets. Even I would turn on a Nets game if they were playing the Warriors if I knew there was a good chance Larry Sanders is going to get in a fist fight with Draymond Green (yes, @Nets, you should sign Larry Sanders).
  4. Change your black and white style. BORING. Change it to something electric. The Oregon Ducks are a fan favorite NCAA Football team for basically everyone because their jerseys are flat out FIRE.
  5. Maybe sign like an “All Duke” NBA team. Or something like that. Imagine assuming an entire NCAA fan group overnight, just because you assembled all the Plumlee’s on your team? It doesn’t have to be Duke, maybe Kentucky, shit maybe keep it home and just get 5 St John’s players. I’m sure God’sgift Achiuwa is available! But the headlines that this creates will get you where you need to be.
  6. I realize most of these suggestions aren’t going to necessarily improve your team Day 1, or even Year 1… But they will make you relevant again, gain you a following, and hopefully distract your fans enough from tanking that you can get yourself a few nice pieces to really rebuild your team.

While this blueprint seems foolproof, I am sure you will screw it up as you always do. But at least it’s a starting point, an idea to get the ball rolling.

Nets, at one point you were a relevant team in my childhood and now you’re a laughing stock.

Jason Kidd Richard Jefferson Kenyon Martin New Jersey Nets.jpg

Good luck with that #1 pick, don’t fuck it up.

 

 

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