Typically this is the point in the offseason where if work gets busy, or you’re a normal person and your mind is 169% paying attention, you’re going to miss some big moves… Don’t worry. We’re basically Sparknotes for what the hell is going on in the NFL lately… Let’s go:
- Remember that stud WR Brandin Cooks from the Saints last year? Yeah, he’s a Patriot now. All they had to give up was their first rounder (basically)… Unreal. Kings stay kings.
- DE Julius Peppers is returning to Carolina to presumably end his career. If there aren’t 7,000 “I’m Coming Home” YouTube videos by now, then Carolina is disrespecting Peppers too much in my opinion.
- TE Martellus Bennett, the tight end for the Pats last year who helped make missing Gronk a little more bearable, signed with the Packers… Could be a solid weapon for Aaron Rodgers.
- The Redskins sign WR Terrelle Pryor. Pryor was basically THE ONLY positive the Browns had last year… So naturally
they let him get awayhe left.
- WR Brandon Marshall signs with the Giants. He had a HUGE year two years ago, and will join Odell in blue. If Eli gets any blocking, this is big time.
- QB Robert Griffin III gets cut from the Browns after one year. I mean… This has got to be a new low point for anyone, right?
- Former USC and Bears QB Matt Barkley signs with the 49ers, returning to that chill Cali life he (presumably) thrives in.
- The Browns and Texans make a WILD trade, where QB Brock Osweiler AND a 2nd round pick go to Cleveland and in return the Texans don’t get Brock anymore (basically)… My opinion is the Browns got ripped off, Brock SUCKS.
- The Eagles sign WR Alshon Jeffrey, who was suspended last season for PED’s to the tune of $16 MILLION for one year. Great signing you idiots.
- QB Jay Cutler was released by the Bears. A sad ending to a hilarious era where they kept paying him and giving him the keys despite him being the biggest headcase on the planet… But he is married to Kristin Cavallari, so regardless, he wins.
- Oops, did I sad ending in Chicago? It wasn’t over then. It’s never over. They went and signed Mike Glennon for 3 years, $45 million. A hilarious deal to yet another unproven quarterback. Kings stay kings (again applicable).
- CB Stephon Gilmore leaves the Bills Mafia and, that damn Benedict Arnold, signs with the Patriots. SAD!
- The Bucs sign WR DeSean Jackson – definitely a nice compliment for Winston to bomb it to other than Mike Evans. I could see him having a real nice year in Tampa.
- The Bills (hilariously) signed two fullbacks. Do I say it a third time? Yes. Yes I do. KINGS STAY KINGS.
- Lastly, Jets re-sign the most important position in football… That’s right, LS Tanner Purdum, who has never missed a game during his Jets career will be back. Let out that sigh of relief Jets fans. You’re good.
So there it is. I’m no Adam Schefter. I have one phone, and I don’t need to report everything. But that is ALL you need to know and you basically know what’s happened in the NFL so the next time you’re hanging back that water cooler, drop some knowledge. You’re welcome. This one’s on me.
Free Agency LIT,