Alright, so Round 1 came and went – all the 16 seeds are gone, so the no brainer wins are as well. NOW we get a chance to, somewhat realistically, to apply an idiotic (but sort of my favorite) method of choosing who’s going to win these games: “Mascot v Mascot”.
This reminds me of the ol’ Arian Foster “Can a Human Beat Up a Wolf?” debate, which was ELECTRIC. So let’s see this hypothetical matchups and figure out how Round 2 would turn old IN THE WILD.
Wildcat vs Badger
100% this was the matchup that started it all… Wildcat versus badger has GOT to be one of the most highly contested fights in the wild. So upon extensive Wikipedia research, I found out Wildcats aren’t that big, they’re basically just big wild regular cats. And badgers measure ALMOST the exact same. Also, I’ve heard badgers are nasty fucking animals. I searched “Who would win in a fight: a badger or a wildcat?” in Google and there are overwhelming results that Badgers are vicious little shits. Wisconsin beats Nova.
Cavalier vs Gator
A cavalier is like a jackass swordsmen of olden days, versus a fucking Gator though? I don’t know how a sword would do against a Gator. One miss and I feel as though you’re toast. I’m taking the Gator. Maybe it’ll get banged up, but it’d win. Florida beats Virginia.
Trojan vs Bear
Similar example to the above matchup. A human versus a bear just doesn’t seem fair. Bears are HUGE. And sure Trojans have swords and armor, but a BEAR would 100% take a human down. Baylor beats USC.
Gamecock vs Blue Devil
Well this matchup is interesting, a bird versus
Coach K a… uhh… Blue Devil? Upon further review (more Wikipedia searching) a gamecock isn’t sure a bird you hunt – it’s a nasty bird that fights like a mofo with its talons and shit… Keep me the EFF away from that bird. I want no part in that. South Carolina upsets Duke.
Bulldog vs Wildcat
Again, A+ hypothetical fight. Great size matchup. While bulldogs for SURE are intimidating, I’m not sure I ever met one that was vicious. I knew one to bite my uncle in the crotch of his pants (luckily missed his beanbag) but that was one and I don’t know why that happened… Anyway, I also think if given the chance in a fight, a bulldog just seems like that 250 pound kid in high school you don’t fuck with even if he didn’t play sports because you just know he could pack a punch. Northwestern beats Gonzaga.
Fighting Irish vs Mountaineer
Drunken ginger versus a mountain man? Literally not even a contest. Sorry Notre Dame. West Virginia wins.
Bulldog vs Seminole
Alright, already said this, but bulldogs don’t really intimidate me, and Seminoles are one with nature… Not only would the Seminoles win in a fight, they’d use all parts of the bulldog. Fur for warmth, teeth as a necklace, meat for food… Actually, I think that’s how ancient Chinese food came to be! Florida State beats Xavier.
Wildcat vs Gael
A Gael is basically a Gaelish person I guess. A person versus a cat seems like a no brainer – but cats suck. And cats in the wild? HAVE to suck more. Have you ever seen how fast those fucking things move? They jump like 8 feet easy and land on their feet. I can’t just 4 feet and land on my feet. Arizona beats St. Mary’s.
Jayhawk vs Spartan
Bird versus a Spartan? Easy win for the Spartan right? WRONG! A “Jayhawker” actually is a Kansas native during the Civil War who were like guerilla fighters who fucked up pro-slavery guys. So now we got men with guns versus Spartans. I think I’m going Jayhawk on this one. Kansas can thank Wikipedia for this win. Kansas beats Michigan State.
Cyclone vs Boilermaker
A dude who forges steel is a dude who I don’t want to fuck with, so right off the bat I was like, oh, Purdue’s got this. But a cyclone? Like a twitter. That stands for no man. Iowa State beats Purdue.
Rams vs Ducks
QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK… Sorry but a ram would just run the duck over. Those things smash each other in the head and 100000% suffer from CTE, but a duck is just so soft. No chance they advance. Rhode Island beats Oregon.
Wolverine vs Cardinal
Wolverine? Against a bird? GAME OVER. Wolverines with the easy win. Michigan beats Louisville.
Tar Heel vs Razorback
So if memory serves me correctly, a “Tar Heel” was a civil war soldier who marched somewhere that just paved its roads and these guys got tar on their heels – so for this matchup this is basically just someone from the south. Against a razorback. Razorbacks are like GIANT vicious hogs that will fuck you up. However, I remember seeing pictures of kids who smoke these things for sport. I guess the south is just a different place. North Carolina beats Arkansas.
Blue Raiders vs Bulldog
Somehow the blue raiders are like electricity or something? I wish they were just straight up electricity, like a lightning bolt is essentially the most impossible thing to beat. You can’t get at it and it would just zap you. Bang. Game over. I guess Blue Raiders?? Middle Tennessee beats Butler.
Bearcat vs Bruin
Cat versus bear? COME ON!!! This is a no brainer. UCLA beats Cincinnati.
Shocker vs Wildcats
I mean. Shocker to me is one mascot I thoroughly enjoy. And I’m sick of seeing “Wildcat” as a mascot… Hey colleges, get a new mascot you bums! Every third team seems to be a wildcat! I’m going two in the pink, one in the stink here. Wichita State beats Kentucky.
What I thoroughly enjoy here is that none of these are impossible. Sure some nine’s over one’s, but that’s not impossible. Wild stuff. Excited for today. Let’s get after it.
Biiiiiiiig Shocker Guy,