Maybe a new segment here… We’re going to wrap things up for the whole weekend in a quick, easy to read summary of what you need to know in the world of sports before heading back to the grind on Monday’s.

If the subject comes up of the NFL or NBA, guess what, we don’t know what the hell happened either! Just say the old, “Ahh man, once March Madness comes on, I am ALL college basketball, ya know?” Maybe insert an awkward “haha” at the end, people will immediately have to change the subject to college basketball, and here’s where you can dig in…

So I’m going to give topics and then a quick hitter sentence you can toss out there about each…

Notre Dame lost to West Virginia. “Those 3’s just weren’t falling for ND in the 2nd half… I’ll tell you what though, that kid Adrian from West Virginia can play!” This gives those hardo fans two routes to talk about, Notre Dame’s offense, or West Virginia’s defense… And while they’re talking just nod that head and agree. Boom. Successfully navigated this one.

Kentucky beat Wichita State. “You see the end of that game? Kentucky can play defense!” Asking if they saw it is great because it implies you did. But now the ball is in their court – they have to come up with the response. The only way this backfires is if they said they didn’t and you need to answer. In which case I recommend spilling your water and bailing.

Wisconsin beat Nova. “Dude, you see that Wisconsin game? I thought Nova would win it all! March Madness though, am I right?” Solid move here, anytime you throw a “bracket busted” or how “CRAZY” the games are is a smart move. People just sa, “Yeah, wild!” and that golden Water Cooler Talk continues on forever.

Florida versus Virginia. “Virginia didn’t show up this weekend, haha, you see that?” All you need to know here is Florida DESTROYED Virginia. It was a beatdown. This conversation will presumably go nowhere, but that’s that good banter to get you out of looking like an idiot, ya know?

Gonzaga versus Northwestern. “Did you see the internet kill Northwestern after Gonzaga beat them?” This is where you pull out your phone and show them this video and laugh. All you need to know is Gonzaga won in a close game besides that.

Xavier beat Florida State. “So wild that Bill Murray’s kid is leading a #11 seed to the Sweet 16 – gotta love it!” This will take the topic 100% off basketball and the fact that you didn’t watch and take it straight to Bill Murray and Caddyshack – you’re welcome.

Arizona beat St Mary’s. “Arizona won but that was too close – like, are they good though??” This is great, asking them their opinion with no clue yourself gets you to be able to shut up,  they talk and you can fire a few “That’s true” comments out there and sound like a learned doctor.

Purdue beat Iowa St. I actually didn’t watch this game but here’s how I’ll approach it… “You see that Purdue game? I forget his name, the big guy from Purdue, he might be the best big man in the tourney.” There’s a couple ways this will go – #1, one of the guys around the office will try to think of his name, and when he says one be like, “Is that his name? Oh yea, I think that’s it.” OR #2, they say “Why do you think that?” DON’T CRAP YOUR PANTS. Just respond with a simple, “He just is so good down low offensively. And he really hits the boards.” Again, I didn’t watch this game but I 100% assume that sort of vague talk will suffice as a real answer.

Michigan beat Louisville. “Michigan Louisville was wild! This might be that team of destiny after the plane crash!” Michigan won and it was an upset FYI, also their plane crashed on takeoff a few weeks back so this reference will open tons of doors for the conversation to go elsewhere – if you’re lucky the “Teams of Destiny” conversation opens up and just reference the Giants in 2008 or something.

Butler beat Middle Tennessee. Just say “honestly, I still can’t believe Middle Tennessee won that first round game” and when Mr Hardo says, “Are you serious?! They were pretty good!” just ask him if he had seen one regular season game that Middle Tennessee played. Body bag.

oh shit black people react animated GIF

UNC beat Arkansas. “Yeah, that game was mad close! I figured UNC had it in the bag!” This should be enough general talk to tiptoe around anything specific and just get the ol’ generic “they should’ve won by 40” conversation going.

Kansas beat Michigan St. “I guess Tom Izzo doesn’t just automatically make the Sweet 16 anymore!” Tom Izzo is the Michigan St coach FYI and basketball people love him. Saying that will get a chuckle and probably suffice for this one. Kansas should have won anyway.

Oregon beat URI. “Hey, it was fun while it lasted! I actually thought they had it there for a second!!” Yes, this is generic as hell. But this was David versus Goliath and Goliath (Oregon) whooped his ass here.

Baylor beat USC. “Honestly, I had no idea Baylor could be this good… I’ll tell you what though, that Boatwright kid can play!!” So we’re banking on them knowing who Boatwright is on USC. If they remember, they’ll probably agree. If they don’t they’ll get quiet and want the conversation to be over. Regardless, you win this one. Check mate.

South Carolina beat Duke. “How did that happen? Is South Carolina good do you know??” These are actual comments that will come out of my mouth but you’re welcome to use them too. This was a HUGE upset.

UCLA beat Cinncinati. “Ugh, that game just tipped off too late… I missed it, I heard UCLA won, what happened?” Fun fact, we all hate these late games, so listen, no one can be pissed you missed ONE GAME. Bail on this one. Make them take the ball. You already won this Water Cooler Talk.

And if you’re feeling really cocky, take the reigns and fire this one off: “Yo, did you see that Devils goal last week? Tyler Hall had the nastiest dangle around the goalie. I know the Dev’s suck now, but that kid is going to be a stud!!” And here’s the video in case you want to double down visually:

Alright, well, I feel confident if you even so much as read this during your commute, you’ll feel slightly more confident in that small talk. In fact, this is basically Sparknotes for everything my idiot ass spent watching all weekend.

Good luck, I believe in you.



Fake it ’til You Make it,