The Masters is back!! The azaleas were in full bloom, the fairways were as pristine as the gardens of Versailles, the greens looked as if they were painted by Bob Ross, the winds were like Royal Troon, and Ray’s Creek had more visitors than the Jimmy Carter Peanut of Plains, Georgia.

Charley Hoffman is the first day leader and was definitely NBA Jam style “On Fire” on the back nine of Augusta. Yes, he looks like the guy behind you in line at Wawa buying a Slushee and Combos in his Titlelist Trucker hat, but he dominated the first round leading the field by 4 and most of the best in the world (Spieth, Rory, Day, etc.) by 9 or 10 strokes. His closest competitor is Big Willy McGirt, that 95% of us including Verne Lundquist had never heard of before yesterday, at -3. Poor Verne legitimately thought there were two Jason Dufner’s on the course.

Yesterday, the golf world was led by the unfettered athleticism of the dad bod. We don’t need Rory in his muscle shirts leading the field at Augusta, we want and need┬áthe 1980 style golfers that can birdie 18 and crush a six-pack of Schlitz after the round (no kale salads and high-alkali water in the diet of our leaders). Yesterday was a toast to the Dufners, McGirts, and Hoffmans, you have made John Daly and Craig Stadler proud.

Unfortunately, we as viewers did miss out, because in case you didn’t notice those two pictures above are both of Charley Hoffman. What the f&@#!? Make Mullets Great Again!! Hoffman has reversed Samson’d all of us. I like this Charley Hoffman, the human version of a NASCAR with about 12 sponsors. But America wants the old Charley Hoffman with a Mullet, retro sunglasses, trucker hat, and a Dumb & Dumber themed wedding. Bring back old Charley!!

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A few other tidbits.

Message to Jordan Spieth’s caddie: If (and when) Jordan hits the ball in the water DO NOT let him immediately walk up and take his next four shots in a span of 60 seconds. Maybe bring him aside remind him of the twenty women that have attempted to message him since he landed in Augusta, or the millions that he is making from Under Armor. DO NOT allow him to attempt a forty foot putt without even lining up his shot or clearing the green.

Huge props to Matthew Fitzpatrick for trolling Jordan Spieth. How was Matthew Fitzpatrick going to make a name for himself on Thursday? He couldn’t do it by just being British because there are 11 of them in the field this year, and Luke Donald & Ian Poulter didn’t get invites. He couldn’t do it by being the top golfer in his group with Jason Day & Spieth as his partners. So, he had one option… Dress like Jordan Spieth. Amazing! I thought it was Jordan three or four times, poor Verne couldn’t even cover the group, he was so confused. I hope he puts a kangaroo driver cover on his bag today to mess with Jason Day.

Jason Day

And finally. Ray’s Creek turned into a weird trick shot advantage on 13. Both Charley Hoffman and Sergio Garcia easily saved par by going for the green in two, failing by plopping into Ray’s Creek, dropping 15 yards from the hole and completing what they made look like an easy up and down. Everyone else was laying up and trying to 70-100 yard chips into the green, which with 40 mph gusts was not that easy. Garcia and Hoffman broke the system. I blame Bryson DeChambeau and IBM Watson.

What an exciting Day One! I didn’t even mention DJ, Paulina, or Vegas returning wagers. On to Day 2, McGirt is already -1 and just about everyone else over par thus far.



WCS’ Newest Writer,