The other night, Taylor and I were having our weekly meeting (drinks at Cloverleaf Tavern), you know, discussing the finer points in life and solving the world’s problems – standard stuff really… until we stumbled upon the topic of running. I had heard some insane story and yadda yadda yadda. We ended up talking about whether Taylor’s dog, Reagan could beat me in a race. So now I present to you…

Man vs. Beast

English Setter Bird Dog

I have the utmost respect for the “Taylor & Reagan” team. Reagan is a finely trained beast, who attended the finest of schools in order to be at the vanguard of her trade: bird hunting. She is quick, has an amazing stride and has a constant motor. She is a small little dog (in fact a cat by Ron Swanson standards). I absolutely love her even though she has taken a piss on my bed a couple times (three to be exact). However, I can beat her in a race.

I am a human, therefore am genetically superior (both mentally and physically) to the dog. Now, we all agree that dogs are man’s best friend. A truly loyal and physically astute beast. The early humans decided upon this companions for a specific reason. However, I can still beat her.

Llewellin Setter Bird Dog

Listen, Reagan can beat me in a simple sprint. This race I’m talking about is a distance race. I have run with Reagan before, so I know my competition. She’s got some legs to her but absolutely no discipline. The dog is way too quick out of the gate which hurts her in the long term. Also, Man* is genetically made to withstand the long game better than the beast.

During the dog’s gait, the legs cross each other in a full stride. This increases speed and can help with quick movements as well. However, this also collapses the lungs and forces shorter breaths (example panting). Also, man is able to carry nutrition and keep hydrated. During a 13 mile run, I hold water and nutritious snacks with me. This keeps me going for over an hour. It’s all about the long game.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, humans are the top of the food chain and therefore it is clear – I, Frank, can beat Reagan in a race. Case closed.

 closed GIF

Humans 1 – Beasts 0






* = I use Man because I am one… “Human” or “Woman” can obviously be interchanged here.