So birds lay eggs. That’s how they’re born. Wild shit I know. Here’s my question though: How? Birds reproduce sexually, that means they need two things to make a baby (aka they have to bang). Now have you ever seen birds having sex? Other than the infamous pterodactyl porn, I have not.

I guess my question is: do birds have dicks and vaginas? I feel like with most animals you can kind of see the dick on it. Like a dog’s dick kind of hangs there, hell you can even see a whale’s dick if you look hard enough. But a bird’s penis just seems to be absent. Is their penis actually their beak? Is that how it works?

I decided to turn to YouTube and searched “birds mating” and here’s the first hit:

So this reminds me a lot of me having sex. Just a lot of twitching, breathing and anxiety. But in reality, this didn’t clear anything up for me. It just looks like they are wrestling. I mean one second it looks like the birds genitalia areas are bumping, but then the next second there’s a beak next to an asshole and an eye next to a foot or something. I think I need some POV shots to really understand how this whole bird sex thing works.

I think I get it from there though. Once the “phantom penis” inseminates the “phantom vagina” – the normal egg and sperm come together and create an egg. The girl bird shits it out, and then they sit on it for a few months until it hatches.

I guess you can chalk this up to me still not understanding how birds get knocked up, but still… at least we figured this one out together.