Over the weekend, a very ridiculous new piece of information was brought to me – Sammy Sosa, once heralded as a legendary home run hitter, then turned cheater in the steroid era, is now white!

When I heard that, I was like… “Wait, wtf?! Sammy Sosa? The Chicago Cub player that was very clearly NOT white in his playing days? THAT Sammy Sosa?”

Sammy Sosa Chicago Cubs.jpg

Yes… THAT ^ Sammy Sosa!

We all remember when he and Mark McGwire were crushing home runs in 1998 and it was arguably one of the most exciting times to be a baseball fan. I mean shit, home runs are great! They are EXACTLY what the people want. Honestly, I bet the 1998 home run race was where the phrase Chick’s Dig the Long Ball is from!

Anyways, I found out that evidently over the course of the last 10 or 15 years, Sammy Sosa has decided he wants to be white, and uses a skin cream to make himself white… It’s fucked.

sammy sosa white.jpg

He looks like a goddamn Vampire, or mortician or something… Legit he looks fake. Almost like the look dead people have in their caskets with so much makeup it doesn’t really look like them. Except he CHOSE this.

This is the same shit that Michael Jackson did when he bleached his skin and it was like… Dude, you’re black, and that’s fine. Just be black and leave your skin alone.

But no, Sammy Sosa had to make an absolute freakshow of himself and now I can never unsee him as this THING.

Sammy Sosa White Black Before After.jpg

Just like a note to everyone out there: You are who you are (Ke$ha reference). If you have a big nose like me, a small dick like Miller, or were born with the skin of a black man like Sammy was… Just leave it alone. It’s fine.



I’m Sorry You Had to See That,