On August 6th, pornstars the world over will be throwing their annual Alexander Fleming parties [1] to celebrate the late biologist who discovered Penicillin, the antibiotic that effectively removed the only barrier* at the time to completely unfettered, unregulated, wild, anonymous, and unprotected sex: gonorrhea, aka diarrhea’s unfortunate step child (*we’ll forget about the other barrier, which is babies, just like Monsanto did).


Why do I bring up Penicillin? Because it’s an absolute miracle that something can kill so many things, without horrific side effects. There are a myriad of solution/side effect examples. For instance, take the toenail fungus pills I was once on. I had to quit drinking for three months because the pills were destroying my liver and it caused uncontrollable gas to the point that I could hotbox the top of a ski mountain. Or chemo therapy. Or the nuclear bomb. Phenomenal killing abilities, horrible side effects.

That takes us to RoundUp and our friendly multinational neighborhood agribusiness Monsanto. The active ingredient in RoundUp, Glyphosate, was identified by Monsanto as a panacea to all broad-leafed weeds, which compete with crops for land and resources. Eliminate the weeds, increase crop yield, increase profits. The problem here is people were hoping for Penicillin, but they got something more like asbestos (which causes mesothelioma, aka the “99% cancer”).


Did anyone actually think spraying something called Glyphosate over products you’ll eventually eat or lawns your children will play wouldn’t be a huge issue? Now an MIT professor claims that 50% of babies by 2025 will be autistic because of Roundup; California is claiming Glyphosate causes cancer; and Monsanto seems to be hiding something about the toxicity of Glyphosate and Roundup.

If you mention Monsanto to the general public, 9/10 people will give blanket statements about how they’re killing babies and causing massive amounts of cancer. Aaaaand it’s starting to look like that’s pretty darn accurate. But, let’s face it, Monsanto is here to stay. I’m sure Monsanto is getting increasingly closer to genetically modifying the human genome to be resistant to Glyphosate – just like their plants – and will be generous enough to inoculate the entire population. And we can draw a lesson from tobacco companies like Altria – which killed millions of people with their products – yet they’re still performing well, providing a decent dividend return year after year.

So you have two options: one, dump your Monsanto holdings, or two, buy on top of the unfortunate headlines. The former results in a very shitty retirement with a weedy lawn where your autistic grandchildren will play, while the latter results in more than enough retirement income after an untimely death due to cancer, and a beautiful, impeccable lawn (Unfortunately, 50% of your grandchildren will still have autism). Which do you prefer?

The T-Ches money shot: It’s all about the Benjamins baby, Hold/Buy on Monsanto.






[1] = An Alexander Fleming party has gone through several changes over the years, but the basics remain the same: lab coats only, Scottish accents all night, and at some point everyone moves to a black room to make “Accidental Discoveries”