Saturday afternoon, I went to the Mets’ game down at Citi Field. Beautiful establishment. Anyways, there were NINE homers in the game. From a fan’s perspective, really entertaining. Now, my theory on going to baseball games is to get seats in the outfield. Usually they’re the best bang for your buck and they give you a great view of the field. On top of that, if you’re in the right spot, you may be in home run territory.

I’m not one of those guys like Foul Ball Guy that makes a living off of catching homers and fouls, but do I think it’s pretty cool to run around and catch homers? Sure I do. So the other day at the game, Chris Taylor hit a homer in the aisle next to my section. There was a crowd of people scrambling for the ball, but eventually a kid that was probably about 12 years old ended up with the homer.

Naturally, the crowd was yelling at the kid until someone started chanting “THROW IT BACK! THROW IT BACK!” The kid got visibly triggered and had one of those nervous smiles. The anxiety level on this kid was through the fucking roof and he had no idea what to do as the rest of us formed a semi-circle around him chanting and chanting. All of us were hoping this kid’s balls had dropped before the game so that he’d actually make the man’s play and throw the ball back. But alas, this young man was clearly still just a boy as some Mets worker came up and told everyone to chill out and let the kid keep his ball.

This got me to thinking – how awesome would it be to throw a homer back? You’d be a hero! And it’s literally the only time you can throw something on the field and NOT get ejected from the game by security. Throwing a ball back is a beautiful tradition in baseball.

I vowed that day, that it would be my life’s goal to throw it back. A marriage and kids would be great. Having a nice house with lots of money, also nice. But throwing a home run ball back? That’s the shit legends are made of. I have a good arm so I figure, depending on the ballpark, I could probably be 35-50 rows back and make the throw. If I’m in the first couple rows, there’s no doubt in my mind the ball will make it to second base at least.

But that’s not the point. I’m not going to throw it back to show off my arm (though it’ll be nice hearing people tell me how great of a throw it was). I’m not trying to get a Major League contract like Henry Rowengartner. I’m not doing it for the fame or women. I’m just want to do it for the love of the game.

I’ve thought a lot about it and here are my conditions:

If I catch a home run ball from the visiting team at a Major League Baseball game, I will throw it back UNLESS:

  1. The visiting team is the Red Sox;
  2. I am at Yankee Stadium.  However, if I catch a Yankee home run ball, I’ll throw that ball back (that would be both hilarious and epic);
  3. A chick with huge jugs offers to let me touch/lick/suck her tits if I give her the ball instead of throwing it back.

So there it is, my new life goal.  This is it, guys.  I’m going to do it.