As we do every Monday, we will recap last night’s UNREAL Game of Thrones episode. Now, I have watched this entire season, and I gotta say – I am ALL IN. The show is fire. I get a little turned off by the zombie bullshit and how unrealistic SOME of it is, but that doesn’t turn me off to the show overall. I just had to open my mind a little. Again, the show is great – this is one of my better life choices decided to give this thing a chance.
Now, let’s get to it, because this week was great. Here’s basically what happened…
The Midget Dude is Screwed
If I haven’t talked about it yet (and I don’t think I have), there’s a midget in the show and shockingly he’s like well respected and powerful. Why? I dunno. But he’s Khaleesi’s right hand man and, despite his stature, people respect him (aka nobody punts him like I would have thought).
Anyways, at the beginning of the show, he was advised Khaleesi on something… Telling her NOT to go fight herself maybe? I forget. Anyways, he says that Khaleesi shouldn’t be “impulsive” and, like every hot chick on the planet… SHE FREAKED – “HOW AM I IMPULSIVE?!”
The way I see it, the midget dude is FUCKED. My understanding is he betrayed his family to team up with Khaleesi and then he just pissed off Khaleesi. Plus, he’s a midget, so like… He doesn’t even have regular height going for him.
Anyway, my guess is that he isn’t dead YET, but boy oh boy is he on his way!
The Bear Fight
So last episode ending with Jon Snow and a motley crew of dudes going out to go capture and bring back a white walker to prove to everyone they’re real. The trouble is, they have to go outside this wall that NOBODY survives outside and for good reason… There’s bad shit out there.
Well, the first thing they encounter is this big ass bear, and they got FUCKED UP. Luckily, the dude how got lit up was a drunk, so they just had him drink some booze, and then soldered his wounds shut. I mean, he eventually died from it I think, but it was pretty badass taking a flaming sword to the chest to close a wound. Some might say, it was en fuego (…get it?? #NAILEDIT!!). It had the badass element of that scene in Boondock Saints when they used an iron to close up their wounds combined with The Revenant when Leo got raped by a bear… Great scene. Again, you need to realize the show isn’t 100% realistic because if it was, that bear would’ve eaten all those fuckers as it was like 4 times the size of a normal bear… And bears are huge.
Gendry Should NOT Put a 26.2 Sticker On His Car
I don’t mean to ostracize non-watchers here so let me explain… Basically once the white walkers were found, they told one guy to turn around and run back home and tell people that they exist and they’re all fucked. So like Forrest Gump the dude turned and just started sprinting home. Now, here’s the thing… he was running in like full snow gear for what seemed like an eternity. My guess is like 10 miles… Let’s go with that. 10 miles in snow gear. That’s fucking impossible. I struggle to run a mile in shorts and a t-shirt sometimes. Shit, I’ve gotten winded walking up to Row 24 in Section 338 at Giants Stadium before!!
Anyway, we’re not here to talk cardio. So this dude Gendry was running literally for his life to tell the folks back home that they’re fucked and to get help, which was all well and good to me. What wasn’t?
They had him fall legitimately 20 yards short of the wall. No joke, it’d be like running a marathon and falling 20 yards short of the finish line. GRAB ASS!! Get up and finish the run you bitch! THAT was retarded.
Jon Snow & the Dragon are Dead… Oh Wait
So there is a big battle scene that ensues against the zombie army of white walkers (P.S. before going on, I hate even discussing this “humans fighting zombies” shit because it is so unrealistic and whatever… Anyway, they’re fighting and Khaleesi swoops in on one of her dragons and murders like all of the white walkers. It was great. BUT, one of the dragons gets hit with a spear (great throw btw **cough cough** I think that’s bullshit too **cough cough**) and the dragon falls into the ice water. Dead. Boom.
Jon Snow also stayed behind and got dragged under the ice by the zombies and it seemed he was dead too… SEEMED.
Of course he wasn’t and that sort of stuff makes me pissed. Like be as unrealistic about dragons and other stuff, but humans should be humans. He was in ice water for like MINUTES and then got out (should have died from hypothermia) but grabbed his sword like he was gonna do anything with that. Anyway, he gets saved by his uncle (I later learned) and rode back to the wall. He gets saved and Khaleesi, who thought she just saw her bae AND her dragon/child die (she thinks her dragons are her children AND she can’t have kids so it kinda makes sense), get at least one of them back. You can tell, she’s ready to BANG.
Jon Snow & Khaleesi are So Close to Banging
So they are on a boat back to somewhere, and Jon Snow is recovering from basically death. Khaleesi is at his bedside when he wakes up. She sees his shirtless, cut-up body and was absolutely SOAKED… I was too. It was great.
They talk a little like and basically Jon Snow was like, “Sorry your dragon died because of me,” and she was like “Don’t say sorry, I had to see those things to believe it but now that I know they’re real and they killed my dragon, I’m going to murder them all,” and he’s like “Thanks darling” and she’s all like “Don’t call me darling,” and he’s like “Well what if I call you my queen?” AND HO. LY. SHIT.
The bang tension was wild.
There was some real sensual hand holding and if I had to guess, just shy of 70% of the female viewers of GoT came instantly… I mean, I was sporting a half chub and again, it was only hand-holding, but it was HOT.
I’m pretty sure that’s how it ended, but honestly, WHAT AN EPISODE!!
Since next week is the last week, it only makes sense that THAT is the week that is the hour long porno episode where Jon Snow and Khaleesi are just going at it… It’ll leave the whole season off on a cliff hanger like, “Are they gonna address the white walkers? Or are they gonna just bang all of Season 8? WHO KNOWS!?”
Also, shoutout to Jon Snow for snagging an absolute BABE who can’t have kids so he can just raw dog her all day. Genius move.
I Got GoT,