As you may already know, last night’s episode (#7 of season 7) was the season finale… There was a LOT of hype leading up to it and I gotta say, even for me – a HUGE Thrones guy now, it held up just fine.
Now, let’s get into the madness of Season 7 finale of GoT…
Dickless Guy was Back (Kinda)
One of the funniest guys in the show, the guy with no weiner who loves eating box, was like the first guy shown in the episode. Not sure he even said a word, just stoic as fuck staring off into the distance… Honestly, I’m not sure he even had a role in the episode, but it got a chuckle out of me thinking about the epic pussy eating scene from earlier this season.
And then, Jaime and the scummy, greasy-haired dude open it up with some lockerroom talk. It was basically all about cocks. Amazing. Here’s my transcript of it:
“Army full of guys but not a single cock.”
“What do you fight for if you don’t have a cock?”
“Maybe it’s all about cocks…”
UHHHH – YA THINK?!?! This is the most #RealTalk I can even think of. Everyone fights at the end of the day to bang. You fight to impress a slampiece. You fight to protect your slampiece. It really is that simple. Great analysis by Jaime and grease-ball guy.
The Meeting in Kings Landing
So the big thing this episode is that all the leaders that normally fight and hate each other and blah blah blah are in the same place… They are meeting so they all can team up (hopefully) to defeat the white walkers.
Even at first everyone is like, “Nah, zombies aren’t real… Go fuck yourself.” And then they bring proof. And that proof scares the shit outta everyone… Which brings up one of my favorite parts.
The dude who earlier this season lead like a fucking pirate takeover, basically was like, “Oh, those things can’t swim? Okay, see ya!” and got on his boat and dipped after seeing the white walker. Basically saying – “Yeah, I’ll see ya after you guys figure this shit out.” Evidently he’s from an island, I don’t understand the exact mapping of this Game of Thrones world, so how the fuck was I supposed to know that? That being said, great strategy by this guy. Kinda a dickhead move, but one HELL of a strategy. He legit right then and there got up and left. Electric.
Then, when Cersei finally was like, “Okay, I’ll help you guys out and not destroy you while you’re off saving the human race…” Jon Snow made quite the statement. She basically wanted him to say that Cersei would then be his queen and he decides at that moment it’d be a neat idea to go Facebook official with Khaleesi.
Now, obviously in such a intense situation – legit life & death – it was quite a statement. He said something like he can’t have two queens. (**Notewotrthy: Khalessi was DRIPPING wet**) The bang tension is NUTS… BUUUUUUUT they’re also all fucked because Cersei was kinda offended I guess and basically said, “Fine, if I’m not your queen – go fuck yourself.“She was acting kinda unreasonable and normally I’d just assume it was that time of month, but she’s preggo – with her brother’s child GROSS – so that can’t be it… I think. Pretty sure that’s how periods work.
Jon Snow is My Hero (Part 1,000,000)
So everyone got pissed at Jon Snow that he should’ve just kept his mouth shut about he and Khaleesi… He should’ve just lied and said Cersei is his queen, blah, blah, blah. And then Jon Snow said something that I sincerely think is the realest thing on the planet… It was just about lying – like telling lies. His logic on lying is absolutely impeccable: “If everyone lies, then words mean nothing.”
I love him even more now. That is basically my thought on lying exactly… Also, I can’t remember the truth 99% of the time, so I could never lie and remember what I said. So for me it’s not really an option, but for him – someone whose brain probably isn’t mush, it’s great logic. A real noble guy. I want to be his friend. Plain and simple.
So eventually everyone gets on board and now it’s time to strategize for war. They want to head north and I guess transportation – like how to get everyone there – was the topic. Jon said he and Khaleesi should go up there on the same boat. Why?
Uhhh, cuz he wants to bang her. DUH!!!
Everyone seems to kinda know but they don’t say anything… Khaleesi agrees and you just know it’s on. You know, because of the implications!!
The Pussy Guy with Long Hair Finally Nuts Up
I am not even going to pretend I know these guys’ names. Basically the guy who had a chance to save some bitch when the pirates were raiding his ships earlier in the season but he bailed and jumped off the ship, and some other dude had a fist fight to the death. And the winner got about 20 guys (who all just stood around and watched this fight happen) to just blindly follow them.
It was a “bully versus nerd” style fight to the death that was hilarious. But you know, the nerd won. Shocker!
It really reminded me of The OC and the epic Ryan Atwood-Luke Ward beach fights in Season 1… Except after the nerd kicked his ass, no one yelled “Welcome to The OC bitch!” which was disappointing…
Arya Somehow Doesn’t Die
So a little sidestory this whole season has been how Arya is this little weasel girl who seems to want to kill her own sister (I think?). I could be completely wrong, but then there is also this guy who is a weasel and he tried to get the sisters to kill each other. It’s all very weasel-y. Anyway, it appears at one point her sister is going to kill her and in a huge curveball, they team up and kill the guy. Sliced his throat – it was nuts!
Honestly though that guy sucked, fuck him. I’m glad he’s gone. The world needs less weasels.
Cersei is a Bitch
Towards the end of the episode we find out Cercei plans on betraying her promise. She plans on attacking Jon Snow and Khaleesi when their backs are turned, fighting the whitewalkers who assuredly are going to take up all their resources… Cersei is such a bitch.
Then Jaime, her brother and baby daddy is like, “Yeah, that’s a shitty fucking thing to do – don’t do that.” And she basically threatens to kill him.
She doesn’t, she pussies out, but like – what a bitch! Total bitch. Fuck her… Why is she still in the show? I mean, I get it. But I hate her.
The Bang Scene Finally Came (And So Did I)
Of course if you put two horny single kids on a boat before they’re off to a war for their lives, things are going to get heated. Jon Snow knocked on her door and no words were said (I don’t think) – but IT. WAS. ON.
He performed admirably it seemed… And really, what a wonderful way to end the season on a happy note.
The season ends in total disaster… Those dragon that was killed last week has become a whitewalker and melted the ice wall in like no time. The wall could’ve stopped the white walkers for a little bit (maybe) but he just destroyed the fucking thing in a matter of minutes. No joke, if I was a betting man, the whitewalkers are HEAVY favorites. There are like a billion of them, and they only grow larger when they beat you… Oh, and now THEY have a dragon. The human side only has two dragons. That’s not NEARLY enough dragons for me to feel warm and fuzzy about our chances. I am nervous as shit!
Also, I think it’s worth mentioning… These dragons are probably NOT good for global warming!! Also, if they keep melting these ice walls, where are all the polar bears going to live? Sad!
Maybe they should be more concerned with protecting Mother Earth and stop destroying her with dragons and fighting. Can’t everyone just get along!?
Dragons Cause Global Warming,