Week 1 of the NFL is like Christmas – if Christmas had no responsibilities or gift giving. Instead, we all receive the gift of the NFL and there is nothing more #blessed than that… So it’s basically the greatest day of the year.

Now, let’s get to it, the fast and furious rundown of the NFL Week 1!!

Chiefs 42, Patriots 27
Thursday was a great way to start the season. Patriots were sole owners of last place for almost 69 hours and no one can take that away from us!

Bills 21, Jets 12
The “Battle for the AFC East” revealed to me that Tyrod Taylor is elite, and the Jets are exactly who we thought they were.

Image result for they are who we thought they were gif

Falcons 23, Bears 17
We didn’t see Mitch kiss any titties in Chicago this weekend, as Mike Glennon at least kept it close, but Matty Ice and the Falcons are clearly back.

Mitch Trubisky Tweets December 2011.png

Ravens 20, Bengals 0
Flacco’s stat line in a shutout win – 121 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT. That sounds elite to me.

Steelers 21, Browns 18
The Steelers only winning by 3 makes me wonder about Pittsburgh… But, LeBron is leaving Cleveland after this year for sure, and it’s pretty clear to me Kizer is the next big thing. I’m ready to #Witness Kizer lead the Dawg Pound to a title relevancy.


Lions 35, Cardinals 23
Matt Stafford threw a pick really early and I though to myself, “Jesus, the kids gets his check and becomes Jay Cutler…” and then the real Frat Stafford showed up and it was awesome. I love that guy.

Jaguars 29, Texans 7
Absolute stunner… Texans lose a game everyone thought they’d win AND JJ Watt gets injured. The best thing for Houston that came out of this? Watt’s postgame interview answer about his injury…


Raiders 26, Titans 16
Beastmode is back and I think this sums it up perfectly…

Marshawn Lynch Double Middle Fingers.jpg

(Yes, he actually did that yesterday)

Eagles 30, Redskins 17
Who cares? Fuck both these teams.

Rams 46, Colts 9
Jared Goff’s Rams scored the most points in the NFL in 2017. Just want to point that out.

Packers 17, Seahawks 9
Ugly game. UGLY. It made me sad to watch.

Panthers 23, 49ers 3
Didn’t even know this game went on to be honest. I guess San Fran sucks again!

Cowboys 19, Giants 3
FUCK. This season is over. The Giants offensive line is atrocious and I can’t envision them moving the ball at all this year. 0-16.

Here you go – exactly 412 words describing all of Week 1 perfectly. You’re welcome. Now head to the water cooler and pretend you watched all of them like a real man!



#FootballSZN is Back,