This post is legitimately a day late
and two wins late, I just don’t care.
Chase Headley was DH’ing last night’s game when LITERALLY the most unfortunate pitch came his way…
I can’t imagine a worse thing than that… An baseball to the nuts?! FUCK. THAT.
Now, I realize how insanely shitty this must be and lately Headley had been growing on me, so let’s see how we can spin this one in Chase’s favor!!
For starters, I don’t know if Headley is single (and I can easily look it up but won’t) but if he is, couple great angles to take:
- Easy no condom discussion. “Listen, babe, after that ball eviscerated my balls… Safe to assume I’m sterile. Don’t even have to pull out!” 😉
- Now he has a good excuse for any rash/irritation/redness. “No, babe, it’s not a rash… It’s just swelling from when that baseball blasted me down there.” Poor me!
- Easy way to get her to “take a look at it” to make sure it’s healing. And I’d say it’s safe once you’re “there” it’s pretty easy to transition from there to getting a lil SOMETHING… And then keep doing this forever just to make sure it stays healed and doesn’t regress.
Chicks dig scars.
- For the next few weeks, every performance (👉👌) is your “Jordan with the flu” performance… She isn’t gonna wanna miss that!
Also, I guess if you aren’t in a relationship or banging anyone, well, you probably are going to step on the scale and see you lost some weight! So hey, congrats on that (sorry you had to sacrifice your manhood for this minor weight loss… maybe not a fair trade)!!
And that’s it!
Glad we could give Chase a little reprieve from thinking his life is over after that one! Hang in their buddy boy!!
RIP to Chase Headley’s Nuts,
P.S. Maybe this is what Owen Wilson was talking about in Wedding Crashers… hmm…