I saw this on Instagram last night.  It wasn’t necessarily “blowing up,” but I certainly thought “hm, that’s something” so I decided to blog it.  There were a couple different routes I could have gone with this, so I decided to go every route.

Let’s start with the guy, Adam.  Assuming it isn’t a 55 year old balding creep on the registered sex offender list, this is a big risk.  I mean I don’t want to be a dick, but there are two very different types of softball players.  There’s this kind:

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And then there’s kind in which a normal size row boat would not support them.

You got both extremes . Both sides of the spectrum.  Jennie Finch:Jennie .jpg

and Crystal Bustos.

Now don’t get me wrong.  If I were to pro-create with Crystal Bustos, between my Division I bullpen catching and her Olympic Softball experience, our child would undoubtedly drop bombs on the diamond, but that is a HELL of a risk to take.  Unfortunately(?) I don’t have a picture of this girl so we will just have to rely on the internet to keep us updated.

Also, his first line about superheroes?  What the hell is that about?  Maybe the other side of the ball said something like “be my superhero, for a good time call…”  At least, I hope it did or else Adam is the lamest mother fucker in the world.

No onto the girl, Hayley.  Alright so she throws the ball in the ocean 6 years ago.  I’m thinking if you get to be 17 or 18 you’re not doing that so we’ll put the cutoff age at about 16 (meaning she’d be 22 now).  I can see it happening . Maybe she was at a tournament with her gals.  Her battery mate was talking about her boyfriend Tad and how great he is.  She was probably telling Hayley that Tad faceimes her every night before bed and they kiss the screen goodnight or some shit like that.  Then Hayley says “oh I’ll never find a boyfriend” and decides to throw the ball in the ocean.

What I’m saying is that there’s no way she threw the ball far enough for the ocean to fucking float to Timbuktu like goddamn Wilson in Cast Away.  Here’s my issue: If Hayley is 16 years old, then at the absolute most she is throwing that ball 50 yards, and that’s if she has a cannon like Abby Hornacek.

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That time of year 🍁🏈

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Like I have a decent arm.  There was a time in my life when I was able to throw a baseball 100 yards with relative ease (not to brag, but I just wanted to make sure I got that little fun fact about myself in there).  I’ve seen girls with very good arms.  A 16 year old girl is not throwing a ball far enough into the ocean to have it get washed away.  No shot.

Okay so maybe she does have the potential to throw a softball a country mile.  There’s no chance she was loose enough to make that throw.  I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but in my lifetime, I was able to throw a baseball over 100 yards.  But not with one throw.  I had to throw for a while, gradually getting farther and farther away before I could throw it that far.  If I was cold and just chucked it as far as I could?  I don’t know I’d give myself maybe 60-75 yards.  So by that logic, Hayley probably threw it 40 yards max.  If you’re 40 yards into the ocean, you’re still standing.  Facts.

The other thing is that if this softball was floating around in the ocean for the past six fucking years, it probably would lose it’s color.  I don’t want to get all scientific on your asses, but science and sand erodes shit (or something) so in 6 years, the ink from the pen as well as the color of the ball would be EXTREMELY faded and probably gone.

Now, am I necessarily calling bullshit on this situation?  No.  I’m sure Hayley did throw the ball into the ocean.  I’m just saying it probably washed back the next day and somebody probably picked it up and maybe buried it or something.  That ball is just in too good of condition to have been floating around in the ocean for six years.

So who knows what will happen with this.  If you’re wondering, the 606 area code is Eastern Kentucky.  Not sure where Adam is from.  Maybe these two crazy kids will make it, but probably not.