I saw a video the other day of a kid screaming his head off because he was stuck in one of those claw machines.

How the fuck does this happen?

Now I ask that question on two accounts: one for the dumbass kid, and one for the dumber-ass parents.

Let’s start with the kid.

Okay, granted a lot of these kids are maybe three years old, so they can just barely talk.  They probably see stuffed animals in a glass case and say “oh shit I have to get in there to get that Spongebob plush” so they crawl over, find the little doorway and start pawing their way into the glass case.  In that sense, I suppose I understand the motivation of a toddler to trying to get inside the glass case.  However, physically I do not get it one bit.  Like, I would imagine there are many weird angles in one of those things.  It can’t be one straight shot from the hole you drop the stuffed animal down to the hole you pull the toy out, right?  Actually, it probably is now that I think about it.  But still, those holes aren’t that big.  A 25 pound kid (I have no idea how much a 2-3 year old would weigh) shouldn’t be able to fit in one of those holes unless they are malnourished.

And before I get to the parents… Uhh, Earth to claw machine manufacturers: maybe put some kind of door that can only fall downward in the machines so that the toys can drop down, but nothing can go up.  It’s almost 2018, how is this not a thing yet?  I would imagine the first time a shithead kid got stuck in one of these things they would have made these changes, but I guess not.

Now to the parents.  The kid, while being stupid, cannot be the one to blame here.  In fact, the more I think about it, it’s really a pretty athletic move of the kid to shimmy their way into the claw machine.  The parents though are another story.  Now I don’t have kids, but I have a dog.  When I have people over, or I take my dog somewhere, like to a friend’s house or a park or something, I make sure I can physically see my dog in like 5 minute intervals at the longest.  I can only imagine if you had a kid, those intervals would shrink to 2 minutes max.  And correct me if I’m wrong, but I have a hard time believing that the process of a climbing into a goddamn machine is one that can be accomplished in like 30 seconds.  Like, just keep an eye on your stupid kid and maybe don’t let them crawl around in a public area.  Just try that for me once.

Basically what I’m saying is that there’s literally no excuse for a kid getting stuck in a claw machine.  Claw Machine Companies, make your machine so that a fucking human can’t climb up it.  Parents, just check in every few minutes to make sure your kid isn’t being abducted or climbing in a machine or something.  It’s really not that hard.  Look at that a Ketch Figures It Out and Ketch Saves The Day all in one.