So the entire eastern seaboard is apparently screwed because a “bomb cyclone” is about to obliterate it… That’s right, a “BOMB CYCLONE“!! Not to be confused with the equally-ridiculously named “Shark-Nado” which of course is a science-fiction tornado full of sharks…
This, no, this IS real on the other hand. However there aren’t bombs in it, it was just named (presumbably) by a four year old who just named the first scary thing that came to their mind…
But here’s the thing, any storm CAN be dangerous, and as a survivor of storms in the past (in the sense that I’m still living), I think it’d be smart for me to share my knowledge.
So here is the NON-liberal media influenced survival list, by me, for you… TO SURVIVE THE DREADED BOMB CYCLONE
- Gas that car up. If you have two cars, gas em’ both!! Listen, you NEVER know how bad this storm will be. So while the weather is still good – get that sucker filled up in case the storm does actually fuck our day up, and you need to high tail it to the deep south for warm(er) weather (or just the National Championship this weekend).
- Go to Dick’s and get a gun. Depending on your particular state’s laws, you may already be too late. But as they say – better late than never! This will help in a variety of ways… One for example – LOOTING!!
Everyone knows during a bomb cyclone, that looting runs rampant. Get ahead of that one and just get a nice 12 gauge. Blast any suckers that are trying to mess with you. Survive and advance.
- Pickup beer. Again, you may already think you have enough beer – you may have a couple thirties already… But I am telling you, if you have a few people at your house and no work to do (except survive), I imagine A LOT of drinking will go down. Get a few extra 30 racks of Natural Light, you won’t regret it.
- Lighter fluid and a lighter. You’re probably thinking, “Oh right, because we’ve got to stay warm, right?” WRONG! Well, kinda… Sure, you need this stuff to get a fire going, but after that it’s all about feeding the fire… I am suggesting these two because you never know if the looter you shot (mentioned earlier) will turn into a white-walker or not. Winter isn’t just coming, winter is here… We all need to take this threat seriously. Burn. The. Dead.
- Charge your cell phone. You don’t know if power lines are going to go down, if they do and you’re on 49% – is that enough? SHIT…
- Lastly, get Risk. Trust me, the trick to winning a war against a Bomb Cyclone (I bet) is waiting it out. The storm will pass and we’ll all emerge victorious. I suggest a rousing 6-hour long game of Risk to pass the time, drink beers over, fist fight your best friend and go back to work.
I think if you are smart enough to follow all those steps, you should be fine handling this Bomb Cyclone… Yes it sounds terrifying, but so did “Y2K” and “President Obama” and we survived those just fine!! This will be NOTHING!!
If you think I missed anything, feel free to berate me in the comments, or tweet me… Not like getting some constructive criticism!!
Let’s Take This Thing Down Together,