Imagine opening the back door to let your dog out and BOOM… A damn bear uppercuts the shit outta you!!
Well, for Andy Meunier in Naples, Florida, on Tuesday night that actually fucking happened!
There are so many pieces to this story that intrigue the hell outta me…
Let’s start with that fact that bears even exist in Florida… Am I the only person on the planet who didn’t think bears lived there? I figured all bears live in like mountain ranges and colder weather… I don’t picture a bear living in some gross Florida swamp! That’s where alligators live you dumbass bear!!
So yes, right off the bat, bears so much as living in Southern Florida threw me way off.
Next, anyone want to bring to light that this guy is wearing a Green Bay Packers t-shirt in SOUTH FLORIDA?!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?
There are an insane amount of teams in Florida you can be a fan of (arguably too many) – the Dolphins, the Jags, the Bucs… But no, this guy is a fucking Packers fan.
Granted, yes, his fandom could be any number of things – maybe he moved from Wisconsin after his automotive plant got shut down, or maybe he loves Brett Farve (that’s definitely it actually, just look at the guy)… But to me, a Green Bay fan in Naples, Florida is a little odd.
Next, what happened to the dog?! Also, what kinda dog is this?
If the dog played ANY role in saving this guy, I wanna get that dog get some sort of Medal of Honor. I’m picturing a Baxter-esque moment where the little pup saved the day… But Andy didn’t even bring the dog up in the interview! Did the dog just run away from the bear? Is this the pussiest dog ever?
All I know is THIS is reason NUMERO UNO why everyone should own a bluetick coonhound…
No bear on the planet is going near a house with one of those in there. No way, no how.
Lastly, Andy’s new scar is extremely bad ass. It made me think of some of the most epic scars of our time. First, it’d be wrong to neglect this one, the Joker…
The joker tells us a bunch of different reasons for how he got his scars, but Andy’s story surviving a bear attack is pretty freaking awesome. So Scar vs. Scar, edge goes to Andy here.
Next up, YOU GUESSED IT, of course I had to get a Thrones reference in here… Tyrion Lannister. In the Battle of Blackwater, Tyrion gets his face slashed up real nice, but he saves King’s Landing… He basically nutted up while the king was being a pussy. One of the best scars arguably in the history of television. That being said, surviving a bear attack in REAL life counts more. Scar edge goes to Andy again here.
Would it even be a list of famous scars if I didn’t include THE “Scar” from the Lion King? Now, apparently he got it from a buffalo because he was being a jackass during a drought (some brief internet digging found me this answer) and caused some fight where he got a horn in the face. Alas, Scar is definitely the worst and everyone’s childhood villain. He will not win this scar-off either. Edge, Andy.
So Andy takes down the three most famous scars that I can think of… And you know what? In showbiz, he doesn’t even stop there…
He even beats Leo DiCaprio! How? HUMAN VS BEAR!!
Leo got wrecked by a bear in the Revenant… like absolutely WRECKED.
Andy, unlike that liberal pussbag Leo, is talking about the attack just days after it happened. In the Revenant, Leo was on a stretcher for what seemed like WEEKS after getting every bone in his fucking body wrecked.
Andy Meunier, your story is legendary… Just maybe get a real dog that’ll protect you for next time! 😉
Bears, Beats, Battlestar Galactica,