In the last week – or month or something, (hilariously) eating Tide Pods has become quite the “thing“. It’s all over social media, people are FREAKING OUT, it’s great… A real, “wow, so this is how we’re starting 2018” kinda thing.
i really tried and died for the cause pic.twitter.com/WxtF27BMjP
— ari (@nightfiIm) December 27, 2017
I thought y’all were so weird for talking about eating Tide pods but now I been thinking about how weird it is for so long that now I’m thinking it might not be weird and I wanna eat one too what is this
— h (@halsey) December 28, 2017
my mom trying to get me to spit up all of the tide pods i just ate pic.twitter.com/nbkXtSdfFW
— dog daddy (@broebong) December 28, 2017
Shit, even Tide themselves had to run a promo to NOT eat their detergent (feat. Rob Gronkowski)…
What should Tide PODs be used for? DOING LAUNDRY. Nothing else.
— Tide (@tide) January 12, 2018
Now, the reason I brought this Tide Pod shit all up. Storytime…
(DISCLAIMER: This is a recollection of a certain actual event. Some of the names may be changed, and some of the event, dialogue and chronology may have been modified – all because my memory is garbage.)
The year was 2005… I was in high school, still excited to know what it’d be like to suck on a tit.
The eldest Taylor brother had bought a house to flip in a nearby Jersey neighborhood. He had done a ton of work to it and we were helping get ready to put the house on the market.
As some of the greatest younger brothers on the planet, both myself and my other older brother (not the one that owned the house, another one… there’s a lot of Taylor bro’s, try to keep up) were told to go pickup some floor cleaner.
There was a CVS around the corner, so it was going to be a nice and easy trip. We hopped in his old 1986 Jeep Commanche, and hit the road.
By the way, arriving at a CVS with the sole purpose of getting floor cleaner can be overwhelming. There are PLENTY of options. Like WAYYYYYY too many.
So we chose this one random brand – maybe it was cheapest, biggest, I don’t know, it was too many
beers years ago… We chose this purple looking gallon of floor cleaner.
So we take this jug to the cash register and put it on the checkout counter… AND WHAT DOES THIS CHICK SAY?!?!
“…you know you can’t drink that, right?”
I swear my brother and I looked at each other without saying a word like, “NO SHIT WE CAN’T DRINK IT – IT’S FUCKING FLOOER CLEANER!!”
Now, in her defense, it was delicious looking floor cleaner. Exhibit A:
We left the store laughing our balls off (arguably at the time mine hadn’t even dropped) just like, “WHAT AN IDIOT!!!”
And we never saw her again…
But guys… That is actually happening RIGHT NOW.
People have to be TOLD not to eat fucking detergent.
We, as a people, as are fucking IDIOTS. IDIOTS!!
A 15 year old high school me laughed at the thought of drinking floor cleaner, and a 27 year old me is seeing people ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE TOLD NOT TO EAT TIDE PODS…
Tide Pods – the New Colon Cleaner (Destroyer),
P.S. Is It Chased with Fabric Softener?? Asking for a friend…
(This is two days in a row with a little Taylor STORYTIME… Shit, maybe that’ll be a thing this year.)