Today my lady (yeah, I have a lady) texted me about how proud she was to fix her earring that was bent out of shape because with a pair of nail clippers.  She said something along the lines of “I don’t know why I’m so proud of it.”  I responded by saying “well, it’s because you’re not that handy.

Apparently this opened up a door where for her attack and berate me for not being “handy.”  First off, never did I say was handy.  I simply pointed out that she was not handy.  But then she started saying things like “oh you’re not handy at all” and “oh you don’t know what you’re doing at anything.”  Her saying these things made me reflect.  Then I remembered my friends have made comments to, and about, my about my alleged lack of handiness.  I also remembered my freaking MOM saying things about me not being handy.  That’s when I thought, “How many times do I have to fucking hear this before I say something?”  It’s ENOUGH!

Now, I am BY NO MEANS saying that I am some goddamn carpenter.  I’m just saying that as far as the average male goes, I think I’m pretty much there.  I’m not about to go out and be a project manager, but I can put up a piece of drywall.  I’m not about to build a deck by myself, but I can listen to what the person in charge tells me to do and do it.  I can dig ditches.  I can paint a room.  I can make a flower bed.  I can (and have) changed tires (that’s tires, with an S. Multiple tires).  What I’m saying is that I can do what I need to do survive.  I am not an inept jackass when it comes to common housework.

But here’s the other thing too, I know my limits.  I know that I won’t be able to lay flooring down by myself.  In fact just a few weeks ago I laid new Pergo down in my kitchen.  I tried doing it by myself, but I couldn’t.  My friend came over and he helped me.  I took orders, did it and we got the job done.  Sure, I may have been lining the joints up when I initially started, but I didn’t have a saw and believe it or not, I don’t spend my fucking weekends laying floors.

If you want to tell me I’m dumb because I don’t even know the first thing about doing taxes, fine.  If you want to make fun of my knowledge about what’s inside of the hood of a car, go right ahead.  But back the hell off about my handiness.

To my friends who would laugh at me about not being handy.  One is a civil engineer and the other owned his own construction company.  It is literally their jobs to be handy.  Sorry I’m not up your level.  To my lady, next time you need me to hang up blinds or find a stud* to hand up a picture, you do it.  And to everyone else, get off my ass, I have two Carharts for fuck’s sake.






* = Putting a stud finder** on your chest and saying “‘beep beep beep’ oh looks like I found a stud!” will never not be funny to me.

** = Yeah I know real handymen don’t need to use a stud finder, they can just find the stud with their huge dicks or something.