Remember Esteban “8 Teams in 13 Years” Loaiza? Well, apparently he’s been the kingpin of a major drug operation in the San Diego area. Loaiza was arrested officially for possession of narcotics and controlled substance with intents to transport and sell. He was found with 20 kilos of cocaine and heroin. Hand up, I have no idea how much “20 kilos” is. You could tell me it’s 12 ounces or you could tell me it’s 500 pounds and I’d say “yeah sounds right. But I did a little research (google) and found out that it’s about 44 pounds.
I’m not going to lie, this is one instance where the Metric System sounds way worse. I know I just said that I didn’t know how much 20 kilos was, but I actually always thought a few kilograms was basically synonymous with one ton. Maybe I’m not a “drug guy,” but if I was in the clink and Esteban Loaiza was coming in and I looked to my cellmate over a plate of gruel and said “what’s the fresh meat in for?” and my cellmate replied “moving and selling 20 kilos of smack and coke” I’d probably be like “shit this guy is going to be trouble in here. Gotta make sure I don’t drop the soap around him.” But if my cellmate said “moving and selling 44 pounds of smack and coke” I’d probably instead say “44 pounds? That’s it?? What a pussy!”
Anyways, when I read this headline about Esteban Loaiza, I let out a laugh and immediately grabbed my phone to tell our friend Miller. As I was about to type, Miller sent me a text saying “Esteban Loaiza making the news (crying/laughing face emoji).” (Quick side note: Miller and I are two peas) We went back and forth a few times and then Miller said the following: “So out of left field, I thought I was done talking about him for life but here I am.” This was an absolutely perfect way to put my feelings on Esteban Loaiza. Other than family and friends of Esteban Loaiza, who the hell would have ever even thought about him let alone talk about him? Sure he made two all star games, but he was by all accounts a journeyman who was one of the most mediocre pitchers of his generation.
“Esteban Loaiza Drug Kingpin” is such a ridiculous headline. On my way home from work, I was thinking and chuckling to myself about what if other “forgettable” guys made some hardcore headlines. Here’s what I got:
(These are NOT real headlines, just ones made up in my head to laugh at)
Rico Brogna Involved In Nightclub Stabbing
Original “Flyin’ Hawaiian” Benny Agbayani Arrested In Connection to Homicide
Tony Womack Pulled Over On Suspected DUI, Four Dildos And A Handgun Found In Back Seat
Inebriated Freddy Garcia Drives Car Into Local Pizza Shop
Jose Vidro Arrested In Possession of 2,000 Pounds Of Cocaine, Calls Esteban Loaiza A “Pussy” For Only Pushing 44 Pounds As He’s Handcuffed
I have a short ride home.