**Gets up for a drink from the water cooler that my body has desperately been needing the last 72 hours**
Judy from HR: “Oh, hey Taylor – what’d you do this weekend?”
Me: “Oh, you know… the usual. Went to a lake house with the boys. Had a few handles of liquor, endless amounts of beer, as well as copious amounts of (drug redacted) and smoked meats. How about you?”
Judy from HR:
Before you get to the water cooler with your pants at your ankles (like me), I want to give you a recap of what happened over Presidents’ Day Weekend… You know, give you some ammo to bullshit your way out of sounding like a complete degenerate. Because honestly, there was a SHOCKING amount that went on, most of which was hysterical.
I’ll be honest, this was one of the rare things over the weekend I did witness live… and it was SHOCKING.
Fergie’s jazz-y, SUPER SEXUAL rendition of the national anthem was, uh, WEIRD. It seemed like she was joking and singing it to turn America on… But that’s just not the song I want to get all horned up to.
She did LOOK great, like Fergie is 42 and she can 100% still get it, but it’s just… It was weird.
If you’re not a big baseball guy, this may not move the needle… But because baseball’s off-season had been so fucking slow (for the most part), it needs to be mentioned.
The Padre’s signed former Kansas City Royal free agent 1B Eric Hosmer for eight years and $144 million… This just one calendar year after they signed who they PROBABLY thought would be their first baseman of the future, Wil Myers, to a 6 year extension worth $83 million (who oh by the way, is now essentially Hosmer’s backup?)… Sooooooo, nailed it!! I’m just glad San Diego is building around Chase Headley.
After the MLB finally woke up, things started happening. Boston and JD Martinez finally agreed to a 5 year deal worth $110 Million, which honestly I think is a pretty great deal for Boston.
You can look at the signing two ways. The deal could make Hanley Ramirez look like the “odd man out” – OR, in a positive light, it gives the flexibility of depth at third, first and the DH spot. Honestly as a Yankee fan, I’m not really looking forward to THIS as the Red Sox lineup we’ll have to see nineteen fucking times:
1. Mookie Betts, RF
2. Andrew Benintendi, LF
3. Xander Bogaerts, SS
4. J.D. Martinez, DH
5. Rafael Devers, 3B
6. Hanley Ramirez, 1B
7. Jackie Bradley Jr., CF
8. Eduardo Nunez, 2B
9. Christian Vazquez, C
But hey, we got ourselves some hitters too I guess (people forget).
THE NBA ALL STAR GAME
The long and short of this one is that the game itself (NOT Fergie) was actually pretty fucking good. Sure they didn’t play almost any defense and combined for nearly 300 points, but any game that is tied 145-145 with the ten best players in the league on the court at the end is AWESOME to me.
And these guys wanted to win. Crazy to think that incentivizing guys who have multi-MILLION dollar contracts with just $75k* would do it! Kudos to Adam silver for making that happen.
Make the All Star Game Great Again!!
Michael Rappoport vs Barstool Sports
Again, maybe if you’re not a Barstool guy you don’t give a shit (if so, skip the next TWO sections)… But Michael Rappoport, who had within the last year or so become a Barstool affiliate, began TRASHING Barstool and their fans (“stoolies“) and El Prez immediately took action…
The best part was though that he texted Ian Rappoport and told him HE was fired.
Long story short, Ian Rapport (who was never anything beyond a guest on shows/podcasts) kept his non-employee status, but the Rappoport who SHOULD have gotten the axe, eventually did.
I don’t know what went through his mind because for a long time, he was a huge fan of Barstool and it seemed like something just snapped over the weekend. Oh well, I guess they’ll need to find another loud obnoxious New Yorker to yell into the camera!!
ROUGH N ROWDY
Yes, this is two straight Barstool related topics – it’s a big part of everyone’s life, deal with it.
Rough N Rowdy are basically just Pay Per View boxing but for Barstool, which is hilarious. They had (I believe) like 40 different fights going on, some between bloggers within the company – which is awesome.
I’m officially on the “I am going to buy this no matter what” bandwagon because the videos of RNR2 (which is what happened Friday) are actually can’t miss television.
Honestly, I know real boxing is dead and until Floyd Mayweather decides to fight Mike Tyson, it probably will stay dead, but I can get on board with this. Electric stuff.
They continued I guess… I don’t really know. Beyond curling, I can’t get into these fucking games. I know Ketch is all about them, so if you want go check out his post.
This was the icing on the cake (link NSFW) for President’s Day Weekend. After hanging with the boys, getting fucked up all weekend, it was nice to sit back and watch a true life love story unfold.
Now, I am going to do a quick recap and try to express my feelings in a calm manner.
This week Arie (the Bachelor) went to the remaining four girls’ hometowns to meet their families. The one girl from Arkansas took him dirt car racing (and he’s a racecar driver so that TOTALLY played), one girl took him horseback riding on Virginia Beach because she’s bougie AF, one girl took him somewhere in Minnesota to launch apples I think (I kinda forget), and the other was in Los Angeles and stuffed rats (taxidermy) with him.
Now, leaving them all nameless and faceless, you’d probably just assume the rat chick is gone… Right? RIGHT?!
No. The fucking guy sent the southern girl (with a delightful little twang who took him to do something HE WOULD LIKE in dirt car racing) home… Un. Fucking. Believable.
**Btw, Ketch does not appreciate my “Fuck Arie” attitude for sending her home here because he’s in love with the weirdo taxidermy girl, but I cannot stay silent here… Arie needs to be blasted**
My favorite part about this, and I’m REALLY glad Junior already addressed it today, is that when Arie met the southern girl’s family, her father told him something like “If you break her heart, I’ll find you.” But he meant like, I’ll use Google to find you… something everyone with a fucking smartphone can do!
So Junior, because he’s incredibly clever, fired this gem out after Arie sent our girl packing:
— Junior (@WCS_Junior) February 20, 2018
I love it. I knew he’d be electric when we signed him to that HUGE Water Cooler Sports deal back in December (maybe earlier?), but he is just overwhelmingly exceeding expectations.
Well done Junior. You are Twitter famous.
And that’s about it. If other things happened, I guess I forgot them, but at least now you got some ammo to make small talk and avoid having your co-workers know ANYTHING about your real degenerate life.
You’re welcome everyone, I’m always here for you.
* = Before you freak out and say it was actually $100k for the winners… I fucking knew that. But the losers got $25k also, so the real difference in winning and losing was only $75k.