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Ah the old tongueless wizard debate–a tale as old as time. A little known fact about me is that I’m a biiiiiig paradox guy. If Pinocchio says “my nose will grow”, what happens? Can God create a boulder he can’t lift? How can Lebron claim to be a role model for kids while simultaneously acting like a dickhead to every living being he encounters? Just fascinating stuff.


Now, the h8rs out there might say that this isn’t a true paradox and while that may be true, it is very close. Think about it: what makes you a wizard is magic but if in order to use that magic you have to speak and you have no tongue, then are you really even a wizard? Which then brings us back to what makes a wizard a wizard and you can just keep going and going in that logical loop until you die.

Alright so now that we all know I enjoy thought experiments, let’s answer the question. Right off the bat, I’m going to say no, this wizard is of no use. If you need to speak to cast a spell and you can’t speak, you are just a guy with a lot of potential. It’s like saying “Can Greg Hardy be a useful football player if he has to not throw his girlfriend onto a pile of guns?” Well no, he cannot. Sure, he is a great player with a lot of potential but there’s just that one little tiny detail that negates the whole thing.

BUT let’s think a bit deeper–who the fuck decides what words make a spell work? Is it the wizards themselves? Is there a community of magic people who decide this or does J.K. Rowling just proclaim it one day and so it shall be until the end of time? Because if somehow this guy can get an exception for himself and change the words to just grunts and noises–maybe a whistle here, a sniffle there–then he has a good shot at being useful again.

I don’t know, its the Friday of March head isn’t really in the game so this is the best I got.