A teenager who had his penis ripped off by a shark as he swam in the sea in Brazil has died.

Jose Ernestor da Silva was attacked yesterday afternoon while bathing in waters off the Piedade beach near Recife, on Brazil’s north-east coast.

The shark struck just as lifeguards stationed on the beach had told the 18-year-old to come closer to the shore. – DAILY MAIL

Well, I guess it won’t be an open casket.” – actual quote from one of our writers who I will totally leave anonymous.

Jesus… This has GOT to be one of the worst ways to go, maybe ever?

Death but having your dick ripped off by a fucking shark?!

I mean… I’ve spent my far share of time swimming in the ocean. I have mentally wrestled with the whole “what happens if a shark comes and attacks me during this swim?

I mean, shit, during ocean mile swims (humble brag that I’ve ever done one of those), you spend like 20 minutes in the ocean about 150 yards offshore (that’s a complete guess… it could be 150 feet or 300 yards, I have no idea. It’s FAR)… And if a shark wants to eat you, you’re donezo.

But here’s the thing – NEVER in my wildest dreams worst nightmare did the thought of a shark biting my dick off come into play.

The thought of that is BEYOND horrifying.

I’m not going to start wearing a cup under my speedo to prevent this, but there are so many questions surrounding this.

Why did the shark go right for his dick? Why not his arm? Or his legs (wayyyy more meat there)? HOW BIG WAS THIS DICK?! Did it resemble a fish? Does he work at the docks and smell like fish? Or was he baiting (pun VERY much intended) using fish oils and THAT is what made the shark target his baby maker?

Also, think of the logistics behind a shark biting ONLY HIS DICK OFF. The report says it bit his penis off, not his groin area (which would’ve been vague and probably more appropriate), his PENIS. The shark must’ve swam up, taken a NIBBLE and in that nibble, bite into a dick, and been like “Yeah, that’s a no from me dawg.”

Image result for that's a no from me dog gif

All I’m saying is this all smells a little fishy to me (man, I’m on a roll)… A shark targeting a dick sounds atypical and I need to get to the bottom of this one.

Consider this “Part I” to an investigative series I am SURE to send too much time researching.



Water Cooler Sports Investigative Journalism is BACK*,


* = I say it’s “back” but really I’m not sure if we ever started… Oh, well. Deal with it!