Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette had LITERALLY everything: drama over ex’s; Tinder-gate; Eddie from Friends gets a one-on-one date with Becca; randomly Donald Trump shaking hands with Kim Jong-Un for TWELVE STRAIGHT SECONDS; a football game leading to someone leaving the show with an injury; and lastly, in heart-breaking fashion, NO ROSE CEREMONY!!
We’ll start with the drama with ex’s. Last week, we learned Colton used to date Tia. Tia and Becca became friends when they were both contestants on Arie’s season of The Bachelor, so yes, this was what you’d call “awk-sauce.”
Becca had said she was always very interested in Colton (presumably because he is ALL man), so this week happened to feature a date where Becca, Tia & Colton were all in the same place, you know, to make sure things wouldn’t be “weird.”
You could tell Colton was pretty nervous before the date and there were a ton of emotions flowing. He was looking like he was listening to a LOT of Death Cab for Cutie…
— Bachelor Night in America (@ABCDTheBachelor) June 12, 2018
Alas, Colton made it out alive and Junior said it best: if he could make it out of that situation, he’s SET. That’s security. He’s gonna have to fuck up BAD to get sent home… Plus, again – LOOK AT HIM, he’s a man-babe.
Moving on from
my America’s boner for Colton, there was some other fun stuff that went on during that date. The Chicken Guy from the first episode, David, and the model, Jordan, got into it. It was all because Jordan was bragging about his (alleged) 4,000 Tinder matches as well as his 100% success rate (everytime he swipes right, it’s a match). The chicken man told Becca that Jordan was bragging about this, and when she confronted Jordan, he pulled off an all-time spin-zone, basically saying how it makes him MORE desirable because now she knows there are FOUR THOUSAND women that want him.
A couple things to mention here… Uhhhh, 4,000 is an INSANELY high number of matches on Tinder. Like… come on, really Jordan? HOW?!
Also, a 100% success rate? I’m calling fake news. No shot. There HAD to have been one girl who he swiped right on that swiped left on him, even if by accident (something I personally do all the time… I’m telling you, it might sound retarded, but it happens). I want Tinder to do the research on this. @Tinder, can you confirm – real or fake?
Building off this storyline, I came up with what I think is a BILLION dollar idea… Okay, you ready? We make a Tinder video game, we’ll call it Tinder ’18, where the main character is Jordan. You’d play and swipe right/left on chicks and every time you swipe right (since you’re Jordan) it’s a match! Think about it, nerds will love it and it’ll boost their self esteem!
Book it – BILLION dollar idea!
After the chicken versus the model fight (what a weird set of words there huh?), we learned who our one-on-one would be… And to make things better, our boy Nick read the date card!!
OH MY GOD, OUR BOY NICK CAN READ!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! That Greyhound* education served him well!!
So, Chris, aka Eddie from Friends…
— Tayls (@WCS_Taylor) June 12, 2018
…gets the date. But I think we know the real winner of that 10 second clip of Nick reading who’s going on the 1-on-1:
Then, we had an unexpected interruption to the show… It was actually wild. ABC cut in showing Trump and Kim Jong-Un in Singapore SHAKING HANDS FOR TWELVE STRAIGHT SECONDS!!
My big takeaway from this? HOW WEREN’T BOTH OF THEM CRACKING UP?!
I seriously can’t imagine shaking hands with someone for 12 straight seconds and not losing my shit… Honestly, I’d be like Wills trying to not laugh listening to Jordan & David fight:
Maybe this is the next challenge to sweep across social media… The 12-second handshake. First it was the Ice Bucket Challenge, then the Swiss Roll Challenge (shoutout @SeanTheWeatherMan), now this – the North Korean Handshake.
You record a video of you and your buddy shaking hands for 12 straight seconds like they did and TRY not to laugh… Absolutely impossible!!
Alright, so after that historical moment (that was completely lost on me because I couldn’t stop thinking of how ridiculous that handshake was), we were back to the show.
The one-on-one wrapped up and Eddie got the rose, and then in maybe the worst cut of all time, ABC went right to the house with ZERO context and showed David (the chicken man) being carried off on a board into an ambulance, leaving an absolute bloodbath behind. The producers did a great job of keeping us thinking it was Jordan, but in actuality, the freaking idiot just fell off the top bunk and landed on his face – hence the blood.
Kinda funny, even when Harrison went and told Becca, you could tell Becca almost laughed… Like you could tell internally she was like, “Lol, nah, come on Chris…”
After that chaos, the next group date was a football game, at which (naturally) Clay, A FORMER NFL PLAYER, completely shredded the competition.
He got the W, he got the rose, but his game winning TD ended up coming back to bite him. He hurt his wrist and ending up leaving the show to focus on his career and providing for his family.
He kinda left like a champ. I mean, he essentially announced to the world that he’s an eligible bachelor, a nice guy, oh, AND an NFL player. I’m not a girl, but I’d imagine his DM’s are FULL of thirsty cleat chasers right now.
Well played Clay, well played.
And unfortunately, that was it! They left us with no rose ceremony and instead a “To be continued…”
We can blame it on the breaking 12-second handshake news, we can blame it on Producer’s, we can blame it on Clay for making it all about him and his injury… But guys, that’s the mystique of the show. We never know what we’re gonna get.
My biggest qualm with last night was that Nick got little to no air time. In fact, you know what? Let’s talk Nick for a second.
He wasn’t on a group date, he didn’t get a one-on-one, NOTHING. I mean, you saw, he read beautifully – that was about it for our boy.
My thoughts are that Becca is SO sure of hers and Nick’s relationship, that she isn’t even bothering to test him. She knows he’s the goat, so she’s cool with letting him have his space. I mean, shit, if you love something you gotta let it go right?
I just think Nick is RIGHT where he needs to be, playing the long game. I expect a HUGE episode out of him next week… Chalk it up.
P.S. This won’t give up any spoilers, so don’t worry. But check out Nick’s Instagram story. He points out something VERY interesting about himself during the final scene of all the guys at the cocktail hour!!
* = Many reading this who have read Nick’s bio and think they know all things Nick, may be thinking, “Greyhound? What? Nick went to Flagler!! They’re the Lions you idiot…” and while you’re right, there is a reason I went with the Greyhounds. You see, before Nick went to Flagler, he attended Loyola (MD) and swam there was a Greyhound. He was elite AF, and that’s how he got recruited to come lifeguard back in 2010 – and THAT is how he and I met. So yes, I will refer to him as a Greyhound. DAWGS ON TOP**!!
** = Wrong college, don’t care.