Well folks, we’ve made it this far.  Out of the “Group Stage” and into the “Knockout Stage.”  It’s a little bitter-sweet.  The games are obviously going to be much more intense, but at the same time there will be less games on.  I liken it to the NBA Playoffs.  For the first round there’s like six games on per night and it’s awesome.  Then as you get less and less games, you theoretically get more competitive games, but you might have to wait a day or two.  Same goes for the World Cup.  I have to say, I really enjoyed waking up at like 7 each morning, throwing in a bet, going back to sleep for another hour or two, and then waking up and watching futbol for a few hours.  And even as someone who historically is not a “Soccer Guy” I thought some of those games were incredibly exciting and entertaining.  I mean that Germany/South Korea game?  Dope.

So since I’ve watched probably, eh 47% of the games?  I decided I’ll use my expertise on el juego bonito to give some predictions in the Sweet 16*.

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Portugal (+199) vs Uruguay (+193)

Well those Portuguese have one of the best players in the world in that hot piece of ass Ronaldo.  Personally, I think his looks are a hair overrated.  I mean if they can’t make a good looking bust of you, then are you actually good looking?ronaldo.jpgPlus, he wears earrings.  You only have earrings if you’re insecure about your appearances.  Granted he’s scored like 9 goals or whatever this World Cup, but at some point you have to think his teammates are going to get sick of him always getting the spotlight.  As for Uruguay, they won the first ever World Cup in 1930 against Argentina.  If Uruguay wins this round, who does it set a potential second round match-up against?  You guessed it; Argentina.  And everyone knows that Uruguay has never lost to Argentina in World Cup when it’s played in Russia on the first Friday after the Fourth of July.

Prediction: Uruguay 6 Portugal 5 

Argentina (+247) vs France (+145)

Well now you got Argentina who I may or may not have thrown a future on to win the entire thing vs France led by Zinedine Zidane.

Messi vs Zidane should be a hell of a match.  Oh wait Zidane hasn’t played soccer since like 2002?  Oh.  Well France is favored, but Argentina took care of business after fucking around for the first couple games against a tough young, up-and-coming Nigeria team.  They had a big coaching shakeup and the question has to be asked; is turning the page helping this team hit their stride?

Prediction: Argentina 16 France 13

Spain (-164) vs Russia (+579)

Well here we have Spain as the heavy favorites, but can the hometown kids ride the tide into what would be one of the biggest upsets in World Cup history?  If Putin has anything to say about it, then maybe, yeah, actually probably.  The only problem with Russia is that they can’t play the part of “lovable hometown underdogs.”  That title just doesn’t work for a country known for doping.  Sucks to suck, Russia.  It’s your classic “Hasn’t Been Tested (Russia)” vs “Will They Look Past Russia? (Spain).”

Prediction: Spain 3 Russia 2

Croatia (-111) vs Denmark (+431)

Well Croatia has, for my money, the best jerseys in the tournament.  CroatiaNow Croatia, while has become a bit of a tourist hot spot still is an Eastern European country.  You can’t teach the type of grit those Eastern European countries have, especially against some pansy-ass Denmark team.  Those Western European teams, sans Germany, France, Portugal, and England are just soft.

Prediction: Croatia 15 Denmark 2

Switzerland (+170) vs Sweden (+219)

Look, I know Sweden is the underdog, but Switzerland is in the same boat as Denmark.  Just a soft, small, Western European country.  Switzerland is for skiing, not soccer.  Come on now.  Plus, Sweden’s uniforms are awesome and are actually representative of their nation’s flag unlike those hacks from Germany.Sweden.jpgI think this is your classic “Feeling Good After Big Win (Sweden)” vs “Team I Know Nothing About (Denmark).”

Prediction: Sweden 4 Denmark 2

England (+113) vs Colombia (+325)

Well if this isn’t the World Cup version of Catholics vs Convicts, I don’t know what is.  Except maybe we’ll call it “Crumpits vs Cocaine.”  In these types of games, you have to like the Colombians throwing England around like a bunch of ragdolls, but will England’s pure talent prevail?

Prediction: England 34 Flops Colombia 17 Yellow/Red Cards,

Score Prediction: Colombia 2 England 1 and Colombia wins with only 4 players on the field.

Brazil (-196) vs Mexico (+580)

I don’t know if you’ve figured it out or not, but I actually don’t have a ton of knowledge about soccer.  That being said, whenever I see two South American teams matched up or a Central American and South American playing, I immediately think it’s going to be like a Big 12 matchup.  Brazil vs Mexico is going to be the equivalent of Oklahoma vs TCU or something.  An absolute SHOOTOUT.  To be honest though, +580 seems way too high for a team that looked like the best team in the tournament over the first two games against the perennial “Can’t Win The Big One” (Brazil yes I know they’ve won like 5 World Cups, but recency bias tells me that can’t win the big one).

Prediction: Brazil 63 Mexico 60

Belgium (-250) vs Japan (+700)

Look, I know Belgium is in a similar region as Switzerland and Denmark, both of whom I declared “soft” earlier in this very blog, but Belgium has black uniforms.  Black uniforms are intimidating, I don’t care who you are.  You just look bigger, faster, and stronger in black uniforms.  On top of that, they have some solid gold and black alternate jerseys which a sharp as hell.  Plus, if there’s one sport (other than basketball) the Far East hasn’t quite caught up to the rest of the world in yet, it’s futbol.

Prediction: Belgium 9 Japan 1

Alright so there you go.  Some real predictions from a real life soccer expert person who casually watches the World Cup.