August 3rd, 1492 was a monumental one for the world, as Christopher Columbus set out as the captain of the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria to find a western route to China. As a child learning about Columbus’ achievements, I remember thinking “why would he want to go west to go east? Isn’t it quicker to just go to China the normal way?” A fair question. But let’s look at the map:
First off, huge shout out to all the jackasses that think the Earth is flat because now Google Maps only has sphere maps which is going to make this blog a little more difficult to do. But anyways, if you go by land, the distance from Spain to China is roughly 5,500 miles. That’s pretty fucking far. For reference, the distance between Caribou, Maine and San Diego is about 2,730 miles so basically you’re doubling it to get to China. Still though, if you go the other way, the way Columbus and The Gang went, we’re talking probably close to 20,000 miles. So is it worth it?Now he’s probably taking the Silk Road and I could see him going one of two ways. Trail A on the map is the Northern route. The Northern route takes you through Eastern Europe, Southern Russia, and Mongolia en route to China. Eastern Europe is a rough place. We’re not talking like Croatia and the nicer ares, we’re talking Soviet States.
After that, you go through Russia and Kazakhstan which are fucking cold. Remember, you’re doing this on a horse that will likely die at some point during this trek. You’re not getting through Russia without having to deal with the cold. Next up, you have to go through Mongolia. You know who’s ruling Mongolia at this time?
That’s right. THE FUCKING HUNS. Shan Yu is easily one of the scariest villains in Disney history and the always fluff everything. Think about how terrifying this guy was in real life! I’ll tell you what’ that’s one guy I would not want to fuck with. He’s built like an absolute train, and acts with no remorse. No thanks.
Now let’s look at Route B, or the “Southern Route.” Starts off not bad. You get to go through France and stop for some wine and cheese, then Germany for some brats and beer. You still have to get through a little bit of Eastern Europe, but nothing too bad until you finally get to Constantinople (current day Istanbul). If you know anything about anything, you’d know that Constantinople was the place to be back in that day. It was the Gateway to the Far East so there were a shit ton of traders and peddlers. There was probably some great nightlife and I bet you the prostitutes were top notch. But after that you enter into what is now known as the Middle East.
I’ll tell you what, the Middle East in that time was just as much in turmoil as it is now. On top of that, it’s hot as balls in the Middle East. You’d probably have to travel at night when it’s cooler in order to not die due to heat stroke. Not only that, but the Middle East, Iraq, Iran, all the Stans, are really mountainous regions. There’s like, a lot of mountains. Enough mountains that Osama bin Laden was able to hide in one of them for like 4 years without anybody knowing where he was.
This is called a “topographic map.” Topographic maps show elevations, and other shit like that. The really brown part in the map are mountains. Good luck getting through that.
So I guess what I’m saying is that going by land is not ideal. It’s hard so trying to find a water route makes sense for our boy Chris Columbus. But anyways let’s move to part two of this. Columbus set out to find China and he ended up in the Bahamas and Cuba. I’m not going to get into the whole “oh he found the New World by mistake” thing because we all know that. I want to point out that somehow he didn’t hit North America. I mean look at this:
If you’re heading West from Spain, you it has to be like at least a 95% chance you hit the US or Canada. Somehow, this mother fucker lands in the BahamasHow? How does he have that bad of aim? I bet when he had sex, and was about to cum on the girl’s stomach, he accidentally shot it in her nostril or something. It’s actually impressive. Anyways, from the Bahamas he went to Cuba, which he thought was China’s mainland which is funny, but I can’t hate him for it, like how the fuck was he supposed to know? In retrospect, thinking Cuba was China makes me chuckle considering China is about three million times bigger than Cuba, but I digress.
All in all a pretty historic day for the World! Have a great weekend!