Bachelor party weekends tend to ruin brains. For the founders of Water Cooler Sports this weekend, it was no different down in Dewey Beach.
From Ketch taking an Uber home from a bar that was 105 feet from our house to all of us taking shots of whole milk at the bars all weekend (#MILKBOYS), it was evident our brains were compromised… Okay, maybe now that I’m saying these things, our brains were basically non-existent.
There was one debate though that I thought was thought provoking enough to bring to this wonderful site and, truthfully, I think needs to be discussed more.
Here’s the scenario: If you were locked in an 8 foot by 8 foot room with a dairy cow, could you kill it? No tools, no weapons just mano a mano (actually, it’d be mano a la pezuña).
If you were anything like me, your first thought would be “I don’t think a dairy cow AND I could fit in an 8 x 8 room together!” Well apparently, we were close, but it is POSSIBLE.
So now we are stuck in this eight by eight foot hell-in-a-cell with a dairy cow. For the most part these tasty giants are harmless, but I imagine if you start trying to kill ANY 1,000+ pound animal, it’s going to fight back. Right?
We had some ELECTRIC ideas thrown around… My favorite (shout-out Ketch here) was to start by breaking its legs via kicks/stomps to make the damn thing immobile. THEN as it’s laying on the ground, you keep jumping on its neck til it’s dead.
Now, I found this strategy intriguing, until I head their leg bones were two and a half inches thick… And I’m not saying that’s IMPOSSIBLE but imagine a tree that was two and a half inches thick. Now trying to kick it in half. Sorry, I don’t know if that’s the play.
Another stellar idea was to just bear hug its neck and choke it out… If you look at the above diagram of a dairy cow, you’ll see the chest is two and a half feet top to bottom. Now, make a circle with your arms. You think you’re putting that thing in a bear hug with enough hugging power (totally not a thing, but you get it) to choke it out? No way Jose!
Now, one thing we learned during this scholarly debate was that a cow can kick in almost any direction. We also learned that kicking, while being super effective, isn’t really their move. It’s more of like their “back off” move. Apparently if they’re in “kill” mode, cows will headbutt you and knock you to the ground, before stomping you… SHEESH!!
First off, that is terrifying. I thought cows were like pussy Switzerland, and all of us beef loving Americans were just savage beasts. But now that I know through that peaceful calm exterior of cows, there is an inner psychopath.
Fuck. That. Shit.
I’m not sure the best avenue to take here, but I came up with one solution that I think is the play.
Cover its mouth and pinch its nose. Hopefully the animal is just really dumb and you can make it pass out, and then continue to hold its airway closed until it’s dead.
My other solution was to punch it straight down its throat (lodging your arm in it’s mouth/air-pipe) AND pinch its nose. Basically my move was to suffocate that sucker.
Clean and easy. No fighting for this guy!
I’m out here playing chess and the world is playing checkers…
I don’t know the right answer, but it is a GREAT debate. Give us your best ideas below or let us know who’s right above… Embrace debate people!!
* = Fun Fact: more people are killed by cows than sharks every year. Suck on that Shark Week!!